Pain

Shortly after my latest cancer diagnosis, I decided it would be a good idea to watch "The Fault in Our Stars."  Spoiler Alert: this movie is about people who have terminal cancer.  As you can imagine, I was a blubbering pool of tears by the end of the movie.  I guess cancer misery loves company.  

However, one line from the movie stuck with me more than any I've heard in quite some time: 

?That's the thing about pain. It demands to be felt...? 
--John Green, The Fault In Our Stars

Pain DEMANDS to be felt......that line summed up my entire summer.  From pains related to gall bladder problems, then pains which I thought were telling me that I'd thrown my back out, pains from falling, to learning that the pain was actually from cancer in my bones---all of these pains were demanding to be felt, demanding I pay attention and discover this cancer before it returned with such a force that there was no fighting it.  Pain saved my life.  

My short experience with pain over this summer highlighted the importance of pain in life--it teaches us, awakens us, brings people together, humbles us, and protects us from deeper pain.  Can you imagine what could happen to our bodies if we never felt pain?  

The amazing thing about my current pain is that it is under control.  Between chemo working its magic, finding the right blend of medications and treatments, my body learning to adjust to the stress, and just being strengthened, I now have less pain.  With all the other effects of this disease, I'm grateful to have a break in that area.  

As you think about the pains in your life---physical, emotional, spiritual----remember that pain exists to teach, to humble, and to help us have empathy as we connect and learn from each other.  Each of us, at any moment, could be dealing with trials/troubles/PAIN that might be seen or unseen.  Remember to be kind and and aware of all kinds of pain.  We can give comfort by simply understanding that none of us is alone in our suffering.  


Whatever your struggles, no matter how terrible and hopeless you might feel, here are some quotes to uplift and strengthen----or to just make you smile.  

?Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who tells you differently is selling something.? ? William Goldman, The Princess Bride

?Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.? --C.S. Lewis

?No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude, and humility. ? It is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire.?
--Orson F. Whitney

?The unending paradox is that we do learn through pain.? --Madeleine L'Engle

?If pain doesn't lead to humility, you have wasted your suffering.?
? Katerina Stoykova Klemer

?After the rain, the sun will reappear. There is life. After the pain, the joy will still be here.? ? Walt Disney Company

Tender Mercies

I don't believe in coincidences.

I believe that people and events are put in your path in order for you to understand that you are not alone in this world and that God does watch over you.  If He could be right here with you, He would hold your hand through every trial, answer every question and daily concern by whispering in your ear, and carry you through every storm.  God knows each of us personally and wants us to have joy in this life.  He can perform miracles in our lives, but He often answers prayers through other people with whom we have contact.  ?God does notice us, and he watches over us. But it is usually through another person that he meets our needs? (Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Spencer W. Kimball [2006], 82).  These are the tender mercies of the Lord, those things that some people call "coincidences."

Right after my cancer diagnosis, Stephen and I were able to go out on a date and try to process the situation.  As we sat in the booth, crying over uneaten food, we noticed our server was ready to wrap up the ticket.  She kept awkwardly checking in on us, trying to avoid the tears and what I'm sure she thought was a terrible break-up.  Stephen wrote a note on the check with the tip, explaining and apologizing.  Soon after, our server came back and explained how sorry she was and that she knows a little bit about what we're going through, since her mom had stage 3 breast cancer.  I marveled at the tender mercy when it happened then.

Just Friday, we were able to go out again.  We decided to go back to the same restaurant, mainly because Stephen has a dish he knows he can eat there.  Seated in a different section on a different night, the same server walked to our table.  I recognized her and reminded her of the kindness she'd shown us weeks before.  She hardly recognized us at first, Stephen having lost weight and hair, and me in a pink wig, but was so excited to be our server again.  She kept saying, "I can't believe this is happening...again!" This new friend, Rachel, now understanding this connection we have, wanted to make she she would see us again.  She gave us her number and said to text her anytime we want to come back, and she would come be our server---whether she was scheduled or not.  She was seeing her mom the next day, and couldn't wait to share another connection and this incredible story. We talked and shared battle scars, and I was overwhelmed with the "coincidence" that brought our paths in line again.

I have a testimony that we are not alone in this world.  We are known as individuals with unique traits and talents, with incredible stories and heartbreaking challenges.  As we connect with each other and serve one another, we will see how our Father in Heaven blesses us through others in our great human family.

And, if we just look around and start making connections, we just might start to see more and more how there aren't really any "coincidences," but chances for the Lord to help us see His love in our lives.    

Quilting

For years, I've had this idea of taking the boys' baby blankets and having them made into quilts.  My boys got lots and LOTS of blankets, and they have all been blanket babies, hanging on to their favorites.  As they outgrew the little ones and moved on to favorite big ones, I put all the others in boxes, waiting for my "someday" project.  

After being diagnosed with incurable cancer, my "somedays" are a little more limited, so everyday is a day to do something that I want to do in life.  I mentioned this project when trying to come up with ideas for our monthly activity at church and something that I knew I would need help with.  After a ton of people wanting to participate, we were able to get so much done on this project last night.  

From cutting to sewing to tying a quilt, so many friends showed up to work on this little project.  How it touched my heart that so many were willing to serve and that so many showed up wearing pink.  {And I came all in black!}

Cutting up Evan's blankets: 

Getting ready to sew the squares for Kyle's blanket: 

Tying Ryan's quilt :

A friend inspired by my mohawk to get her own!

Look how many people showed up to help with this project! {More came after I took pictures, too!}

It's the little things that help through this process.  Having the support and love of people who are willing to give of their time and talents to turn something that might have been tossed from the storage unit to a treasured memory, helped me know that there are still good days ahead.  We can do so much in this life when we help each other and have the love of those around us. 

After Round Two

The first few days after chemo have been treating me pretty well.  I believe I do well because I still have some steroids in me, which give me extra energy.  I've been able to run some errands, do a little shopping, and have had the energy to do a few things around the house.  Jane went out yesterday:

I felt well enough to go to yoga/pilates this morning.  Then, lunch time hit.  Nothing sounded good, and my throat is still a little raw, which makes swallowing difficult.  {It's gotten SO much better than a few weeks ago, but I'm still not at 100%.}

Some friends came over to help set up and lay out squares for quilts we are going to be making for the boys.  I'm so excited about this project.  These are some great ladies I used to work with in the Relief Society organization at our church before getting released a few weeks ago.  Today, they got to hang out with Bridgett:

Soon after this, I took a little down turn.  The way I explain it is being a little "off."  I get light-headed, a little nauseous, {which I have meds for}, and start to feel the internal battle of the intestines---should we have EXTREME DIARRHEA or should the meds hold the gates???  I was able to take a long nap, which helped.  Then, the boys got home from school, and it was time to get going with homework, chores, and soccer practice.  

A few more days down, and a few weeks to go until I have to start all over again.  

PS.  Here's a few funny things kids have said about my hair/wigs

My niece saw me with a red wig at church.  She just stared and stared and told her mom, "I'm looking at Aunt Mel's hair.  It looks ridiculous!  It looks weird!"  {She knew I was shaving my hair off, but was not aware that it would be replaced with wigs!}

Several boys asked today why I'm bald.

A girl asked why I don't have hair.  

It's fun to see how people who have no filter react to my changing looks!  

Leave it to Fleener---Round 2

Candy went to chemo today.  Wasn't that nice of her to take my place?  

I have been thinking and thinking about uplifting/encouraging ideas for posts for this week, but it just didn't happen.  First, there was problem with the Wifi.   By the time it was even close to working, my Benadryl bag kicked in, and I was OUT for 2 hours!!!  Then, when I woke up, I was surrounded by people who wanted to talk.  It was like being on an airplane next to tons of people with whom you have many things in common, and everyone was sharing their stories.  One gentleman was on his 3rd cancer diagnosis.  A 77-year-old lady next to me had breast cancer before, but was only receiving iron treatments now to keep up her energy.  Another woman was diagnosed with Stage 4 breast cancer in 2012, had it come back in her bones and did radiation to control it, and now it's back in even more places, so she is also on her 3rd cancer diagnosis/treatment plan.  Her mother also had 3 cancer diagnosis, and is still alive!  I enjoyed hearing the stories of others and being uplifted and encouraged by their outlooks, their survivor spirits, and their ability to continue to fight and work and take steps everyday to be a little better and a little closer to a more healthy life.  

That is my uplifting/encouraging advice for today.  We need to be a little more real about our "stuff" in life and find people we can talk to and relate to.  No one has the exact same story, but we can all be uplifted by understanding that we are never alone.  Everyone is going through something difficult at any point in life.  It could be illness--physical, mental, or emotional.  It could be difficult children.  It could be loss--of loved ones, jobs, homes, physical/mental abilities.  There are thousands of trials and even more ways that they effect us as unique spirits and individuals with unique lives.  And we can lift each other and comfort each other by listening and finding common ground and giving support to those around us.  

First, come to understand that part of why we endure difficulties is to learn to give thanks to "God, even the Father our our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation." (see 2 Corinthians 1:3-4).  Once we gain that faith, it teaches us to take it a step further in helping others: "...that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God." (2 Corinthians 1:4).  Knowing that Christ suffered for all our trials, sins, fears, pains, and afflictions allows us to "take his yoke" and never be alone.  It also allows us to become angels on earth for others as we lift them in their times of weakness.  "For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also aboundeth by Christ." (2 Cor 1:5)  Abound means to exist in abundance, to be plentiful, thick, flowing, not in short supply.  As we come to understand that Christ has suffered for all, and many of those sufferings abound in us, or are in large supply in our lives and in the lives of others, we can have consolation through our Savior and me of comfort and give consolation to others. (Relief, compassion, cheer, encouragement, support, sympathy, solace; Help a person feel less sadness, disappointment, etc.)  If we can learn those two points--that our Savior suffered for us that we might gain a testimony and follow him, and that we can use that knowledge and experience to comfort others through their trials, this world would be a much better place.  

Kick it to Cancer Kicks this week: 

My treatments took a full 6-6 1/2 hours today.  They added an additional nausea medicine, since I was sick last time.  I also remembered to take pictures of the Elasto-Gel mitts and booties I wear when they Taxotere is administered, which help to cut down circulation to my hands and feet, helping to prevent neuropathy and nail problems.  It's COLD, but for good cause.  

These  Cancer Kicks look a bit different!

Another round down, and only 4 more to go.  We got this!  And, you can get through whatever "stuff" you have going on in your life, too.  There are lots of things that are hard, but you are stronger, braver, kinder, and more loved than you know.  

Some of the Girls

I decided that this time around, I want to do wigs.  I can be a different person everyday, plus it takes only minutes to do "my" hair in the morning.  I'll probably throw on hats and scarves some times, but I'm all about the wigs lately.  

I had 2 wigs left over from the first time---Jane and Ginger (not pictured--a red head that went to church today.)  

I wore Jane on our date night on Friday, where we went to a party with lots of friends.  Many thought Stephen came alone, since they didn't recognize me.  That cracked me up!  Stephen also said I looked just like my sister, Jules. 

Now, I also have Candy, the pink beauty who made her first appearance at my head shaving party.  

Today, 2 more showed up on my front porch----Ariel, for obvious reasons.....

And this one:  SHE NEEDS A NAME!!!!  Please send in your votes for this long, dark beauty.  

There will be more coming, and I'll need more names.  I only had boys, so there aren't a lot of girl's names on my list.  I'll be asking for help with naming as more girls come in.  

Hair Today, Bald Thursday

I'm bald again. 

Since this time was so much harder, it was nice to throw a little party to get as much support as I could in having to do this again.  We had a little get together at our house, inviting everyone to wear a scarf or a hat or shave off their hair with me. 

I tried to be a little creative with some snacks.

Before & After strawberries---get it?  some have "hair" and some don't. 

Take it off Cheese.  (I love those little cheeses you get to peel open!)

What a Melon! melon balls. 

Peach Fuzz-tini with pink salt to rim the glasses and roasted peaches to add to lemonade, topped with sparkling cider. 

I got one new wig and had people vote on her name.  Candy won. There was also a money tree and we played a game with guessing famous actors that have shaved their heads for roles. 

At 8:25, the alarm sounded, and it was shaving time.  No one else took the challenge but Stephen, so I made him go first. 

Here's the "before." 

I love that my hairstylist was sweet enough to come to my house.  Go see her at Celebrity Spa & Salon, and tell her I sent you!!!

He's done it again!  *The boys were FORBIDDEN to shave off their blonde!

My turn.

I wanted to play around, so we did a mohawk first. 

Ready to rock it, but first---let me take a selfie! 

I wanted to keep it, but it wouldn't have looked any good in a few days.  A patchy mohawk isn't cool. 

Take it all off!  I only cried a little and might have made it through without tears until someone busted out "FIGHT SONG."  I lost it a little then! 

After:

I'm so glad so many people were able to come, and I felt so loved!!!! 
(back row: Blake, Ryan, Holly, Lacy, Lisa, Leigh, Anna, Adriane, Racel, Stephen.  middle: Amber, Dolly (and original pink warrior!!), Laura, Sheri.   front row: Rachael, Kyle, Ryan, Julia (another pink warrior!), Evan, Brittany, Josh.)

Thank you all for coming and joining my Pink Warriors!!!!  We fight this battle together. 

Looking down at the pile of hair on the floor---I had several thoughts.  1) It's done.  2)  It's easier to take charge and not let this thing control me.  3) I'd rather be bald than be pulling out clumps of hair every time I ran my hands through my hair.  It's easier to take it all off at once than to deal with it day-by-day.  4) There's no hiding my gray now--look at all those lovely blonde highlights that Amber spent hours perfecting.  We'll have to get back there again!  5) It's only hair. 

It's been fun getting back into some of my wigs and watching people's faces as they do double takes to recognize me.  I've always liked costumes, and now I get to be a different person every day.  You never know who's going to show up when you invite me somewhere these days! 

Last Good Hair Day

I washed my hair for the last time today.

As I was combing, hair pulled out in clumps.  Kyle walked by my sink and said something like, "Man, that's a lot of hair!  No wonder you're going to shave it off!"   I washed it down the drain {whoever buys my houses will have lots and LOTS of hair down their drains....sorry!} once, and then attempted to style it for the last time, as I'll be shaving it off tomorrow.  This was the sink AGAIN after the second combing:

People ask why I choose to shave off my hair.  Well, I don't do shedding well.  I don't do clumps and blotchy baldness well.  I don't enjoy waking up with a pile of hair on my pillow.  We don't have pets that shed for this reason, so the humans in the house are not allowed to shed, either.

Last time at this point, I cut my hair into a short bob, but that only lasted a few weeks because I could not take the look of my sink filled with hair every time I ran my hands through it.  I know me.  Watching the slow decline is much harder than just facing the fact that I'm going to lose my hair head-on and shaving it off.

 I've had more tears this time around, maybe because I know what's coming and I don't want to do it again, but I know I need to.  It's too early in the battle to give up the fight.  I'm ready....or as ready as I'll ever be.  First, saying good-bye to this hair.  It's going---tomorrow night!

This part is easier than losing the brows and lashes.  That's not a fun part for me at all, but bring it!

A Low Moment

Two days of water and saltine crackers broke me.  That, and pulling out piles of hair while combing my hair after the shower.  I had a moment of self pity and cried, just so frustrated that I'm already doing this again.  Why?  Why, oh, why do I have to do this again, so soon after finishing the first fight?  I don't want to!

I've been sticking to food to stay alive, rather than eating for enjoyment.  Eating is the furthest thing from enjoyment these days, as even with a lidocaine/antac/benadryl solution, it is painful!  My ear is better, which is nice, but there is a lower point in my esophagus that burns every time I swallow.  I am trying the BRAT diet, with a few twists, but it's a chore to eat enough calories to keep me going.  I'm doing well on staying hydrated; just have to force myself to drink water, and water is about the only thing I can drink without pain.  Had Rice and chicken soup for dinner--painful going down, but did well once swallowed.

I try---oh, I try----to not let the low moments creep in, but today I found myself asking when was life going to take a break from giving me lemons?  I'm getting a little tired of all this lemonade.  (Who can handle all that acidity anyway?) Hopefully tomorrow will be better, and the next day a little better than that.  If I am moving uphill, I'm just happy to be moving.  

Cancer Emotions Session

 It's hard for me to know what I need, especially when bad times hit so hard and everyone wants to help all at once.  I am still processing the emotions of being diagnosed again and rushing through the scans, surgery, appointments, and treatments to even know what people can do for me at this point.

I remember feeling overwhelmed and loved the first time around by the willingness of others to give of their time and talents to help me and my family, and this time is no different.  Meals, childcare, driving help, company, a shoulder to cry on, loving words, prayers, friendship are all welcomed and frequently given.  Then, along comes an idea that I never knew I always wanted.

A very talented and lovely friend of mine, Amber Hagen, is a photographer.  Not an "OOOh, my husband bought me a nice camera, so now I'm a photographer" photographer.  She's a REAL photographer, with a studio and backdrops, props, all kinds of lighting and other gadgets I know nothing about.  She came up with this idea the first time around to document the process of my emotions and changes with photography, almost a journal in images.  The sessions were very powerful and therapeutic, and I looked forward to each one.

My plan had been to have one final session when I reached my one-year mark.  I wanted pink of all kinds---balloons, glitter, sequins, a tutu, a tiara, sparkly shoes, jumping, celebrating----basically an adult version of a girly one-year old's birthday photo shoot.  My one-year mark came and went, and I wasn't quick enough to squeeze the photographic celebration in.  When my diagnosis came back as cancer, Amber was quick to suggest a session, with whatever emotions I was feeling.

I wanted the opposite of my pink party princess--a dark and sad and broken down one, and that's exactly what I got.


Sadness and despair, but still feeling comfort and love and the light from above:

The sad party princess:

The mad, angry, throwing a fit, kicking and screaming party princess:

And, the tears came---for real.

(At so many of our other sessions, we tried to talk and capture crying, but I could never cry.  It never was a terrifying at it is now, and I didn't cry as often as I thought I would.  Now, I cry a lot.  Mean, ugly, mascara-stained tears.

And, I always have her take a before picture:  You know, in case they need one for an obituary......or the inside cover of a book I write, whichever comes first.

Service and therapy comes in countless forms, and I am often the most touched when people truly give of themselves.  These sessions are a perfect example of that.