I have never had to deal with lice on myself or with my children, and I'd like to keep it that way! There have been informative letters about lice treatment and prevention sent home from school and texts about children in class with lice. Everyday, I use a lice repellent spray on the kids' hair to give extra protection. Just the thought of lice makes my head itch!
Seriously, though.
My head has been itching for weeks, and I've had Stephen check my scalp for critters more than once. The lice talk only makes it worse! And, then it hit me: My head itches because my hair is growing back! It was finally long enough to dye blond, but in the last few weeks, it has really been starting to grow. Hundreds of dark roots are sprouting up and with them comes the annoyance of an itchy scalp.
I saw Dr. Fleener today. She followed-up on my concerns from the last appointment--the rash/bumps from my drug reaction and my pain level.
She did not recommend sending me to a dermatologist for the rash because it would go something like this. First, that doctor would want to take a biopsy to rule out infection. The test would come back showing a drug reaction. As annoying as this rash is, it's not enough to discontinue my chemo, and we would be right back where we started. Since my youngest son already had a follow-up appointment with his dermatologist, I slipped in a question about my concern. She looked at my skin and concurred that it was most likely a reaction to the drugs. The next part was one of those tender mercies. "I did my residency at MD Anderson," she explained. (MD Anderson is a MAJOR mecca for cancer treatment in Houston, for those of you unfamiliar.) She continued, "As difficult and uncomfortable as that is, we often saw reactions like yours as a positive sign. It usually means things are working because your immune system is triggered." I was reassured then to keep pressing forward, despite the uncomfortable and annoying reaction.
As far as pain, she was pleased that I was seeing Dr. O, to keep pain under control. The pain is bearable, but the mental anguish is debilitating. I guess I thought that once the tumors were gone, the pain would go with them. However, I still experience pain in my back, hips, shoulder, and legs, causing me to worry that cancer is looming. I no longer know what is a "normal" level of pain and what is something to report to a medical professional. When I simply thought I had "thrown my back out," last summer, I was actually growing tumors in my bones! Both doctors have been reassuring. Some of these pains are "normal" for a female who has given birth and joints never fully came back together and for someone who fell and fractured vertebrae. Again, I was relieved and encouraged to keep pressing forward and get a little better day by day.
Like the itchy scalp, these unpleasant and sometimes painful reactions are signs that treatment is working. The pains that accompany growth and improvement can be difficult, but teach us humility and gratitude. I'm grateful for an itchy scalp because my hair is growing back. I'm grateful for the outward signs that chemo is continuing to be effective. I am seeing how weak things can be made strong again. (see Ether 12:27).
After my first battle with cancer, I wanted to write to Elder David A. Bednar to express my gratitude for a speech he made that became the theme of my journey: "That we Might not Shrink." I put off these promptings and was suddenly no longer cancer-free. When the prompting came again, this time I followed it and wrote a short thank you letter, feeling pleased and hopeful that he might one day read it. Time went by and I became lost in the trenches of fighting cancer.
Then, on one particularly difficult day, when I was feeling weak and hopeless, I received a response:
I was especially struck by the verse of scripture:
Nevertheless, the Lord God showeth us our weakness that we may know that it is by his grace, and his great condescensions unto the children of men, that we have power to do these things (Jacob 4:7).
This was just what I needed to hear then, and it is reinforced today. Our weakness (not weaknesses)--- our WEAKNESS---physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally---is part of mortality. We are reminded over and over of how precious life is and how deeply we need grace to overcome our human weakness. Trials, pain, sadness, despair, fear of lice.....He has felt all our weakness and asks only that we humble ourselves and allow Him to strengthen us with the "power to do these things." (see also Philippians 4:13).
Having been strengthened to make it this far, I will continue on and endure. There is medicine that can help ease the discomforts of the journey. Prayer, faith, and hope keeps me moving forward with the hope that, "the Lord [may] bless and strengthen [me] in the YEARS ahead." (emphasis added.) Only God knows exactly how many years, but I am trying to get the most out of every day.
Kicking it to Cancer, one treatment at a time!
