My first treatment of the year was scheduled for January 9, but my new insurance made that impossible. My first treatment was then scheduled for January 16, but the weather shut down the state of Texas. Today, I finally got in.
Things have a weird way of working out, though. As I sit in the chair, I can't help thinking that FIVE YEARS AGO, (tomorrow), I sat in another chair, hearing the words,
"You have cancer,"
the words that would change life as I knew it.
At the time, five years down the road seemed different than it is now. Back then, I thought I would be celebrating much more, celebrating that I'd made it to the first big milestone, that cancer wouldn't be darkening my door again.
No. Five years doesn't feel like what I thought it would.
Don't get me wrong. I am BEYOND grateful to be here, healthy, making memories with my family and friends. I am blessed with amazing health care professionals who truly do care. But, somedays I feel like I was promised something I never got.
Five years ago, I was told that "this is going to be the worst year of your life, but you're strong, and you'll make it, and you'll be able to put cancer behind you." It was the worst year of my life, and I am strong. That part is true. However, what I thought 'making it' and 'putting cancer behind me' would look like didn't turn out exactly as planned. It IS five years later, I'm still here, and we are still keepin' on keepin' on.
In the spirit of thriving, I'm striving to focus on JOY this year. I've found it challenging to be joyful when dealing with the difficulties of coordinating new health insurance for the year. I've also had the unpleasantness of dealing with ANOTHER car accident and being verbally abused by my fellow man....a real winner of a fellow man. I've had to practice what I preach about telling the truth and claiming responsibility for your actions, turning the other cheek, among other things.
All that not-fun stuff tends to try to get in the way of joy. It's also not easy to push the unknowns of cancer to the side and seek joy despite the challenges. However, I did not battle through the pains and heartache of the last five years to let the frustrations of life stamp out my joy. I am meant to have JOY. Maybe not all day, everyday, but EVERY DAY! I will continue to seek joy with my people, the ones who love me and allow me to love them. I will continue to make memories of the time I've been given. And, I will continue to recognize even the smallest miracles that come into my life.
Joy is out there, and I deserve to have it.
