H&P #25

I'm changing things up and having treatment on a Thursday.  (My regular schedule for next week would've put me needing treatment while on vacation.  I had a visit with Dr. Fleener first thing.  She again smiled while discussing the results of my latest MRI--it still looks great!  We talked about my vision issues, which have-thankfully-not been too much of a problem since our last appointment.  

"Maybe I'm just getting old and need some reading glasses!" I said.

"You're not old!" was her response.  

I'll see her again in a few weeks to revisit the pill, as long as my body starts to cooperate!

I met a few new patients in the chemo chair today.  The husband of a woman who was getting her first treatment told me, "Just getting to talk to you and hear your story is such a comfort to us.  Thank you for that."

The COMFORT stood out to me, for in my scripture reading a few weeks ago, I came across a verse that stood out to me like it never before had:

For the Lord God shall COMFORT Zion, 

he will COMFORT all her waste places; 

and he will make her wilderness like Eden, 

and her desert like the garden of the Lord.  

JOY and GLADNESS shall be found therein,

thanksgiving and the voice of MELODY.

                                                           2 Nephi 8:3

Obviously, the "Melody" caught my attention, as if He was speaking straight to me.  I was also touched by the testimony that God comforts us in our "waste places."  Whether that be in sickness, hardship, trials, or temptations.  He doesn't take all the bad out of our lives, but comforts us while we are in our wilderness. He can provide enough comfort that walking through our deserts can seem like a plentiful garden.  God offers protection or help to weather the storm, by strengthening our souls and through people He brings into our lives or even through prayers and kindness of strangers. 

Beyond just the comfort to make it through hard times, we can actually have joy and gladness if we strive to find it.  There is always a reason for thanksgiving, even if it might seem small to others.  Honestly, I'm not one of those people who is truly GLAD for cancer.  I wish it didn't have to define my life.  There might be lessons I've learned through the experience that could have been difficult to learn other ways, but even that doesn't make me happy that I have cancer.  I do have gratitude for remission and in the little things.  I can give thanks to God for each day I have to spend with my family.  And, I have felt joy and gladness over more days than I can count.  It's not as if I dance around, smiling and singing, without a care in the world,  all day, every day.  God's comfort has allowed me to see sunshine in the storm and seek out and find the many blessings I have.  That has helped to notice joy and gladness through the pain.  

Although it looks as if I'll never "beat" cancer in this life, there is still hope.  I hope I'll be healthy enough to raise my boys for many years.  I hope I can be a support to others.  I hope for the strength to accomplish daily tasks.  I hope that I can endure whatever challenges come my way.  Hope opens the way for joy, and everyone deserves to feel it.  

(You heard it from the voice of Melodee.)

  

MRI

   

I had my 3-month MRI today, several weeks early. Even though the techs were running behind AND couldn't find a vein for the contrast, it was pretty easy. (They stuck my hands a few times and dug around before asking if I wanted them to call a nurse to access my metaport. Ummmmm.....YES!!!!)

Dr. Fleener's office called to give me the good news that the report looks "great". Both doctors looked at it, and reported good news. 

Still in remission and feeling better every day!!!

Leave it to Fleener

Dr. F wanted to schedule a short-notice appointment from some questions I asked at treatment earlier in the week.  I snagged one of the first appointments of the morning and decided to just bring these guys and their books/iPads with me.  

I've been having a few days of blurry vision--no patterns, no consistency, and no progression.  It doesn't make sense that it would be cancer--more likely related to the meningitis/encephalitis. However, just to rule out cancer, Dr. F wanted to move my MRI up to next week.  That way, we will be able to rule out the worst and then start working on things from there--opthamologist, etc.  

The other purpose of this appointment was to discuss the timing of starting me on a pill to go along with the shot I've already started.  After a few questions about symptoms from the shot--Am I having hot flashes? (no) Any other symptoms?  (cramping, period.)  You're not bleeding, are you?  (Yep.)

Well, that makes our decision about the pill because I can't take it if I'm still menstruating.  It's weird that I have an IUD AND am on an Estrogen-blocking drug and am STILL bleeding.  It could be that I had a thick lining, and my body is getting it out.  After all, I've only had 3 shots.  Or, it could be that I am that weird patient that, if anything is going to go wrong or be weird, it will be me!

I seriously love this doctor.  I also found out this week that another friend has cancer.  She was able to get in with Dr. Fleener, and I'm so happy that her prognosis is good!!  

In other news, as if we needed another medical issue, on Saturday, Stephen woke up from a nap with intense pain that continued to become worse.  He figured it was something to do with his gall bladder.  He went to the ER, and sure enough, it was!  He was able to come home with pain meds and push surgery to a later date.  LUCKY US!!!  It's seriously always something!

 

H&P #24

 

Just finishing up the 24th doses of Herceptin and Perjeta.  It's so crazy how my life has become chunked into these 3-week periods.  But, we keep on pushing forward.

This morning I woke up feeling nauseous.  I took something to help, tried to lie down for 5 minutes, but threw up in the sink, anyway.  I've also been experiencing some blurred vision, off and on, for about a month.  It comes and goes, even within the same day, but I'll notice that looking off into the distance, everything is blurry, and even trying to read can be difficult.  I asked the nurse to pass on the info to Dr. F, and she speculated that this might be a residual symptom from the meningitis.  I meet with her again on Friday morning to discuss a few things.

Summer has been going well, thankfully.  We enjoyed a restorative week at the beach, and the boys are excited about a new summer schedule, which rewards them with money and screen time for helping out around the house and yard, as well as doing activities that keep their brains thinking.

So, life goes on, as it does for us all, with its ups and downs, the fantastic moments and the dull, and we try to take advantage of every day, trying to out run cancer for as long as we can.

Shot #3

Back from Cabo and straight in for another treatment....

At least this was a quick one.  Looking back to try to remember which dose of this shot I've had, I realize I haven't written much about it.  First of all, it's big:

I receive this once a month, so only sometimes does it fall on the same day as regular chemo.  The appointment goes like this:

sign in at the front desk

wait to be called

follow a nurse into an exam room

wait while the nurse gets the supplies

the nurse cleans and disinfects the correct area

 (We have to switch sides of the abdomen each time.)

the nurse sprays on the "cold spray"

in goes the needle

on goes the gauze and bandaid

go home.

Last month, the shot was quite painful and caused bruising.  The area was sensitive for several days.  This time wasn't so bad.  So, thanks for the prayers.  Perhaps this "cup" will not be removed from me, but I can be strengthened to endure for many, many more shots.  

H&P #23

This one hit me hard.  Whether in a combination of overdoing it over the holiday weekend, poor food choices, or just "fun" side effects from the meds, it was a hard day.  I was supposed to have a conference call and was so knocked out I slept through my alarm!!!

It really isn't easy to NEVER be done with all of this.  Demoralizing, actually.  No end in sight, and my body slowly breaks down.  It's like Russian Roulette, waiting and guessing when/where/if cancer will return and how badly.  I try to stay positive and "keep fighting," but this 4-year-long war has already taken its toll--on me, on my family, on those who have given their time and talents to help us.    But, what am I going to do?  Give up?  Not a chance!  So, forward we march, onward, ever onward!

I'm reminded of the words to this hymn:

Called to serve Him, heav'nly King of glory,

Chosen e'er to witness for his name,

Far and wide we tell the Father's story,

Far and wide his love proclaim.

Called to know the richness of his blessing--

Sons and daughters, children of a King--

Glad of heart, his holy name confessing,

Praises unto him we bring.

Chorus

Onward, ever onward, as we glory in his name;

Onward, ever onward, as we glory in his name;

Forward, pressing forward, as a triumph song we sing.

God our strength will be; press forward ever,

Called to serve our King.

Words: Grace Gordon, alt.

Music: Adam Geibel, 1855-1933

Throughout this journey, I've had a few experiences that have led me to believe that there is purpose in trial, that it's important to trust God and serve Him, in good times and bad.  I have been chosen to be a witness of miracles, so I can testify of God's glory.  At times, it seems He could make his point in much simpler ways, but perhaps there are specific individuals who need to hear my experiences in order to find faith for their own trials.  As long as there is something I can do to press forward, being Called to Serve, I will.

I wasn't in much of a butt-kicking mood, so the slippers felt more appropriate.  

H&P #22

I'm back to my normal chemo schedule.

It's actually been a weirdly eventful 3 weeks in between the last treatment.  Believe it or not, that time frame involved ANOTHER MRI to investigate the suspicion of.....you guessed it....MORE CANCER!!!!

This time, it was my knee that gave cause for concern.  The last Thursday in April, I woke up, got out of bed, and felt pain in my left knee (the one which had surgery last October), and collapsed under my own weight.  I couldn't really think of a logically reason for this "injury."  Thankfully, I still had a brace to wrap around my knee as well as my crutches from the surgery.

Stephen was more concerned about this being more than a simple injury.  He was at work, but he happens to work AT A HOSPITAL.  He found Dr. V, my orthopedic surgeon, and explained what was going to.  The doctor wanted me to call his nurse and get a Monday appointment, even though he was "booked."

Over the weekend, the pain got better, and the leg got stronger.  Even so, Stephen insisted I make the appointment.  When we talked with Dr. V, he seems a little perplexed about my symptoms vs. my pain, description of the injury.  We did an x-ray, and there showed a tibia fracture, but, more concerning, what looked like......you guessed it.....CANCER.

We scheduled an MRI the next day.

Dr. V called on Wednesday with results:  Thankfully, it's not cancer.  It is, however kind of serious.  You had bone infarction, which had caused that are of your bones to not receive blood supply and die.   That part of bone will never grow back, so you just have to strengthen around it.  But, you have to take it easy for 3 months, maybe as long as 6.  No exercising on it, and take it easy.


Well, that was a weird--and actually quite rare--thing to happen.  It's not cancer, so I'll keep being thankful for the little things.  And, I am determined to take it easy, for if I don't, I'll need a total knee replacement.  Leave it to me to injure myself in weird ways!!!

There have been several times in the last few weeks when I have felt alone.  Whether physically alone or feeling emotionally empty and without hope.  I've asked "why?" I keep having all these extra problems, "why?" I have to go through any of this?, or "how long" is this going to keep plaguing our lives?  

As long as I let myself become weighted down by that line of thinking, I need to turn to scriptures like these: 

When we try to take courage in trials, the Lord will do so much more to make up the difference.  He will strengthen our hearts, helping our hope.  He will hold us by the hand and help us.  He will be on our right and left sides, with his Spirit in our hearts, sending angels to bear us up.  We can do hard things because we are never alone!  We are getting strength from God.  Sometimes, all we can give is courage and hope, and God will do the rest.  And, there are times when our hope and prayers for this life are not answered in the way we want, but we can continue to hold tightly to the hope and courage in the Lord to seek for the hope of the next life.  For He will always be in our hearts, as long as we let Him in.