Leave it to Fleener--Round 5

"Sing unto the Lord with thanksgiving...." (Psalm 147:7)

Cancer is determined to make an optimist out of me.  It might seem that I don't have much to hope for, especially not this time around.  I have a chronic disease that, at this point in human history, does not have a cure.  As Dr. Fleener told me today, "I expect that your cancer will come back.  I just don't know when and where, but it will come back."  With all odds against me, I have still learned through this process that there is ALWAYS something to be thankful for.  There is always a reason to smile.  There is always hope.  I have learned to look on the bright side of life, to worry less about the little things---and most of this life is "the little things,"---and to have faith for the future.  (In fact, SPOILER ALERT for The Walking Dead fans:  Against all odds, I called it that Glenn was still alive.)  This newfound optimism helps me to be thankful everyday, so it is nice to have an entire holiday to devote to singing praise to the Lord.

Here are a few things I'm thankful for, a few tender mercies in this cancer battle:

I am ALMOST DONE!!!!  It is hard to believe that I only have ONE MORE chemo left in this round!    After that, there will be another PET scan.  Then, I will stay on maintenance for.....well, probably forever.  As long as my heart can take the Herceptin, and as long as I can tolerate Perjeta, and as long as I stay in remission, I'll go every three weeks (or so) to have my infusions.  If (when) cancer decides to come back, there will be other options--one is a fairly new chemotherapy that targets Her2 receptors to block the growth and also to deliver chemo to those cells only, which means less negative side effects.  And, after that, there will probably be some new drug we can incorporate to keep me going.  There is always hope.


I have been mostly healthy this time around.  I haven't been sick up until this past week.  By "sick," I mean cough/cold/infection type of sick.  Last time, it felt like I had a cough for 3 months!!!  I also had very low numbers in my blood work a couple of times, and so far---knock on wood--everything has been fine for me to continue treatments on time.  The other complaint is this rash reaction that is attempting to take over my body, but I'm grateful it hasn't attacked my face.  Being healthy has made fighting much easier.

I still have some hair, especially EYELASHES and EYEBROWS!!!  This seems like a small and silly, vain thing.  However, I love my eyes.  I am grateful to still be able to put on my favorite makeup and have it feel normal.  I am also grateful that I still have some hair on my head.  It is thin and completely gray, but having some is better than none, and that will make the growing out process much easier.

I am thankful for the doctors and nurses who take care of me and care for me.  There is a lot of happiness and love in this place, which rubs off and makes something awful feel a little more comforting.


Although I have learned much about optimism and faith, there are tough days when it is hard to focus on the positive.  There are days, like this last week, when I think about the hard and start feeling sorry for myself and being scared for my family and how they will make it without me.  I get sad about things we all will miss, on traditions that might be forgotten, and memories that will fade.  Fear creeps in. But, there is still so much to be grateful for!

?From our sorrow we might seek out the sweetness and the good that is often associated with and peculiar to our challenge. We can seek out those memorable moments that are frequently hidden by the pain and agony. We can find peace in extending ourselves to others, using our own experiences to provide hope and comfort. And we can always remember with great solemnity and gratitude Him who suffered most to make it all right for us. And by so doing we can be strengthened to bear our burdens in peace. And then, the ?works of God? might be manifest.? (Richard C. Edgley, "For Thy Good," Ensign, May 2002, 66).

Every time I began to feel that fear and despair try to creep in this week, this song of praise kept coming to mind:  

Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed,
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.
I?ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand, ?
Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.
(?How Firm a Foundation,? Hymns, no. 85)

The matching scripture Isaiah 41:10 came to mind, as well:  "Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness."

This hymn and scripture remind me that I need not fear--not death, not hardships or loss, not anything of this world.  I need not dwell in despair or discouragement.  I need to be optimistic and keep holding onto my faith in Christ, for he will never leave me alone and will strengthen and help me through any trial.  ?Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid ? for the Lord thy God ? will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.? (Deuteronomy 31:6) We need not fear, for we are never alone.  We need simply call upon the Lord--in times of need and in times of thanksgiving--and He will hear and answer.   As the scriptures say, ?I sought the Lord, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.? (Psalm 34:4)

"[We] need not live in fear (see D&C 6:36). Fear is the opposite of faith....The Lord Himself encouraged, ?Wherefore, be of good cheer, and do not fear, for I the Lord am with you, and will stand by you; and ye shall bear record of me, even Jesus Christ, that I am the Son of the living God, that I was, that I am, and that I am to come? (D&C 68:6). (Boyd K. Packer, ?Do Not Fear,? Ensign, May 2004.)  

In telling us not to fear, we are never promised a life without pain and hardships or reasons that might cause concern, worry, and even fear. ?Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the Lord delivereth him out of them all? (Psalm 34:19).  However, we ARE PROMISED peace and that the Lord will "give us aid," help us, and strengthen us.  We need to keep our heads up, and keep our faith focused on the Lord.

?As we live on earth we must walk in faith, nothing doubting. When the journey becomes seemingly unbearable, we can take comfort in the word of the Lord: ?I have heard thy prayer, I have seen thy tears: behold I will heal thee? (2 Kings 20:5). Some of the healing may take place in another world. We may never know why some things happen in this life. The reason for some of our suffering is known only to the Lord." (James E. Faust, "Where Do I Make My Stand?" Ensign, Nov. 2004, 21).

It is difficult to "be not dismayed" when we think on all of the hardships we might face in this life.  There are terrible, tragic events occurring each day.  Each of us face individual and family struggles and challenges.  We all have need to be strengthened and healed, but that help doesn't always come how we might want it.

?Healing blessings come in many ways, each suited to our individual needs, as known to Him who loves us best. Sometimes a ?healing? cures our illness or lifts our burden. But sometimes we are ?healed? by being given strength or understanding or patience to bear the burdens placed upon us. ?The healing power of the Lord Jesus Christ?whether it removes our burdens or strengthens us to endure and live with them like the Apostle Paul?is available for every affliction in mortality" (Dallin H. Oaks, "He Heals the Heavy Laden," Ensign, Nov. 2006, 5?6).

Sometimes, as in my case, a certain burden might never be removed.  However, I still need not fear.  The Lord has still promised to give me aid.  He strengthens me, both physically and spiritually.  He helps me accomplish the things that need to get done, whether through the service of others or by giving me the strength to do the most important tasks and to let the others go.  He helps me stand and be a witness of his blessings and that he can and will show us miracles to increase our faith and further drive out fear.


Sometimes this earthly life is not fun.  We have tough times and frustrating challenges.  There are times that we might feel afraid and want to give up.  Do not let fear win.  Do not lose faith.  Do not let the challenges and trials the could strengthened your faith overtake your hope.  Continue to call upon the Lord and to praise Him with thanksgiving.  And ?To any who may be struggling to see that light and find that hope, I say: Hold on. Keep trying. God loves you. Things will improve. Christ comes to you in His ?more excellent ministry? with a future of ?better promises.? He is your ?high priest of good things to come.? " (Jeffrey R. Holland, "An High Priest of Good Things to Come," Ensign, Nov. 1999, 36).   I promise there are many good things in this world and much to be thankful for.


My numbers are still good, and I'm praying this trend will continue so I can stay on track to finish this chemo!

Today's cancer kicks:

Happy Thanksgiving!

Pink Alliance Luncheon

Back in October, I was invited to the Pink Alliance Luncheon with Joan Lunden as the guest speaker.  What an exciting day!  It got even more exciting when I got called up on stage as the newest person diagnosed with cancer.  {The oldest one was also called up--she's a survivor of over 40 years!!!}

We were each given a little love in the form of original art:  

We listened to Joan speak about her life, her breast cancer journey, and things she might say or do differently had she known more information about cancer before.  What I mostly  got out of her speech was the belief that when an opportunity presents itself, you stay positive and believe you can do anything and then go and find out how to do it.   She also expressed the importance of finding out as much information as you can and then following what is best for your life.  This was a powerfully uplifting lunch. 

Afterwards, we waited in line to meet Joan and have her sign our book.  We are very blessed to have been able to attend. 

Leave it to Fleener--Round 4

After today, I'm 2/3 of the way done with chemo!  It's a happy day, celebrating my positive results of the PET scan by officially meeting with Dr. Fleener and receiving the official paperwork.  After only half of this chemo complete, my results are incredible!  Prayers and positivity are going a long way, and this chemo is literally melting the cancer away.  I feel better on the pain scale, am feeling strong, and am able to eat more, with only occasional difficulty in swallowing!  The only negative is what is probably a chemo-induced rash that looks like terrible acne on both sides of my body.  It started around the area of the bottom of my bra and grew and grew after this last round of chemo.  Some suggested it could be shingles, by Dr. Fleener doesn't think it's that, especially since it's on both sides of my body, not following my nerves, and not painful.  I told her today, "it wouldn't be ME without something crazy happening!"  

We just enjoyed a weekend away with the boys and other family to Great Wolf Lodge.  After vacation, it's straight back to chemo.  I run into 2 vacationers that had the chemo treatment look, and had the chance to talk with one of them.  I asked if she was receiving treatment, and she said, "I'm done!"  I wanted talk more and asked, "What kind of cancer?"  {I'm sure she could obviously tell that I'm also a cancer patient, so I thought she would welcome the camaraderie.}  Shockingly, she responded with a harsh, "I DON'T want to talk about it!!!"  I guess some people just don't have a positive bone in their body.  I don't see how you can survive the trials of this life without staying happy!  I, for one, choose to be thankful and to focus on the positive things in this world.  That will get me further than complaining and seeking out the darkness.  

We all run into difficult times.  There are heartaches, trials, temptations, difficulties, fear, sadness, and great challenges in this life.  This is unavoidable.  How we face these times is what defines who we are.  

Last week, I came across a scripture that spoke to me: 

"Nevertheless they did fast and pray oft, and did wax stronger and stronger in their humility, and firmer and firmer in the faith of Christ, unto the filling their souls with joy and consolation, yea, even to the purifying and the sanctification of their hearts, which sanctification cometh because of their yielding their hearts unto God."  {Helaman 3:35}

If you read the surrounding verses and know what's been going on prior to this, there has been a long stretch of wars and difficult times for the people.  Then, they have peace and prosperity for many years.  Then, however, the pride of the people begins to seep in, and even people who profess to be members of the church begin to persecute those who are faithful believers.  Instead of giving up and faltering, the people take a more positive route:  

They fast and pray often.  That leads to them becoming stronger and stronger in humility and firmer and firmer in the faith of Christ.  I love these two descriptions, especially that of becoming STRONGER in humility.  Being humble DOES NOT mean being weak.  You become strong in humility by not boasting in your own strength, but in the Lord's and by allowing Him to take your weak things and make them strong.  In so doing, you become firmer in the faith and continue to fast and pray often, and the cycle continues.  I call this the Humility Cycle.  In direct opposition to the Pride Cycle, the Humility Cycle fills your soul with joy, the joy that comes from yielding your heart unto God.  

This scripture sums up the Gospel to me.  When we accept our Savior and yield our hearts unto God, He purifies and sanctifies our hearts, our souls.  This allows us to become more and more humble, strengthened by the positive changes we see in our lives.  Life is not perfect and care-free, but as we are strengthened by yielding our hearts to Christ and by taking His yoke upon us, we learn that we truly can overcome any trial.  I have not always been a very humble person.  I was strong-willed and stubborn most of my life.  I challenged authority and walked that fine line of being just enough naughty to still get away with it and stay out of trouble.  As I have experienced a change of heart brought on over the years through many trials, I have learned that happiness truly does come from choosing to follow Christ.  It comes from yielding our hearts to His and by walking the path of truth.  It comes by choosing to fast and pray often and to look for the gifts and blessings we receive everyday, those Tender Mercies that help us to become firmer and firmer in our faith.  As we learn to live by faith and become stronger in our humility, allowing our hearts to be changed for good, we become converted to Christ and truly see that we can survive anything life throws our way.  A smile and a positive attitude go a long way in this process, too!  

Only 1/3 of treatments left!!!  Working on kicking cancer to the curb!!!!   

Leave it to Fleener--RESULTS!

I got a call from Dr. Fleener this morning.  She couldn't wait to give me the good news!  

Looking at the results of my PET scan, she told me they are about the best results she good possibly expect in my case!  This scan looks MUCH better than the last.  All of the lymph nodes in my chest that were lighting up before are gone.  Most of the bone areas with cancer before are gone now.  There is still some activity in my spine---in T6&7 and in L2&3 {I may not be exactly right on the numbers, but they are close}--but the metabolic numbers are lower.  {The higher the number, the worse it is.  For example, numbers like 9, 10....20 are bad.  Normal is 2 or lower.} The only new area is ONE lymph node in my neck.  Dr.  Fleener is not too worried about this because 1) It's ONE lymph node and not several.  2)Its metabolic number is 3.3.....or something like that. 3) I've had problems with the radiation and ulcer in that area, so it's more likely that the lymph node is inflamed from that than cancerous.  

These are GREAT results, and I'm so glad Dr. Fleener called me!  She didn't want me to have to wait, and it's always nice in the cancer world to be able to call with good results!

If I have to go through chemo again, at least we know it's working!  I keep thinking that God wants to work miracles through me, and we are on the way to that.  I'm so grateful for good news!!!!  

Now to celebrate with some Mexican food----fajitas and queso will have to do, as I'm still not drinking Dr. Pepper.  

Halfway Point PET Scan

I'm currently radioactive and must stay 3 feet away from children.  

I scheduled this PET scan on a day when Evan would be in preschool, thinking it would give me enough time for this strange radioactive material that they inject into my veins to break down and not be dangerous to others.  However, Evan has an ear infection/runny nose/cough, so no school for him!  Thankfully, a friend is in town and was able to watch him, so my scan could go on as planned.  He just was NOT happy about me not being about to hold his hand or hug him or sit by him or....or....or.  It reminded me of how bad it would have been if he had stayed home with me after my reconstruction.  My little Physical Touch child would have been in despair thinking his mom didn't love him!  Thankfully, now he's old enough to understand the value of money and of getting paid to be patient for 2 hours while we wait for Mommy to not be dangerous to touch!

I arrived early, and they started me on the injection before my scheduled time.  Again, the nurse wasn't able to get a clean IV, so she had to dig around.  Man, I HATE needles!!!  She did inform me, "in the future, your oncology nurses can access your port for us, and we can use that to inject you and we can remove it."  I begged, "is it too late to do that today???" "Unfortunately, yes."  [Information that would have been useful to me.....YESTERDAY!!!!!]  After FINALLY getting the IV going, I had to sit and wait 45 minutes for the radioactivity to be at a high enough level throughout my body.  Then, they moved me into the machine and "took pictures" for another 30 minutes.  

Another one done!  Now, to wait for results!  I hope there is good news in my future; I could really use some.    

Prayer

Prayer works.  It feels as if the entire world has been praying for me lately, and I have felt great blessings because of that.  

After last Monday's disheartening news, my prayer warriors jumped into action.  Friends and family spread the word that I needed some extra prayers.  Between friends and family all over the country-- and a few in various places around the world--word spread quickly.  I was told that every church in Midland, Texas, was praying for me.  (Surely one of them HAS to have the direct line to heaven, right????)  In addition, one of my dearest friends decided to rally her troops and call as many LDS temples around the world to add my name to the prayer roll.  Through the efforts of many, I'm being prayed for in 107 (out of 148) temples in 5 continents around the world.  For those not familiar with an LDS temple, during one part of the temple ceremony, those in attendance use their collective faith when they are invited to join together in prayer on behalf of those whose names are on the temple prayer roll.  Anyone can call and add the name of someone who is sick or otherwise afflicted to the prayer roll, and names remain for 2 weeks at a time.  In essence, the entire world is praying for me!

I had been crying tears of sadness, frustration, and despair on Monday, and then I was crying tears of joy and humility when I heard about all the extra love and collective voices raised to heaven for me.  Each time I pondered all of the time, energy, faith, and charity others were showing me through the simple power of prayer, I was touched beyond belief.  My emotions were close to the surface all week.  

And, I experienced a small miracle.  The 3rd round of chemo has been the easiest yet!  Between my ulcer starting to heal, the acid in my stomach being controlled, being able to eat more than broth and potatoes, I have had more energy and was less sick than the previous 2 rounds of chemo.  I was able to go to yoga/pilates.  I was able to rest when needed, but go shopping and to the park.  I had the energy to organize the boys' closets.  It was a great week after Monday.  My only complaint this time around has been a few nights of sleeplessness.  Oh, and there was one day when the EXTREME DIARRHEA I've been promised from the beginning actually decided to show up.  I'm very grateful for cars with leather seats....and that's all I have to say about that!  Not everything can go perfectly, right?  

Prayers have blessed me.  Being known and loved has strengthened me.  I am humbled and grateful beyond what I can share.  Thank you to all those who have taken their time and faith to pray for me.  Please know that I have felt strengthened and that your prayers make a difference.     

Goble This Cancer & Derbes Knows Best

I had the chance to meet with Dr. Goble on Tuesday.  He agreed with Dr. Fleener about the small possibility that I have a new cancer in my esophagus.

"I don't want to be overly optimistic," he said, "but it is much more possible that these "atypical cells" are cells that have been radiated and are still in the midst of the healing process than are actually new cancer cells.  It does not seem highly possible that you have esophageal cancer because of your age and the fact that you don't have a high family risk or lifestyle factors.  It is unusual that it has taken this long to heal after radiation, but you did start chemotherapy the week after you completed radiation."

Dr. Goble suggested setting up another opinion with a GI doctor, but did not recommend another biopsy.  His advice was to wait and try to let the medicines work on healing my ulcer and to not worry about another scope at this point.


Yesterday, I met with Dr. Derbes, a GI.  He agreed with the other doctors and suggested waiting to let my ulcer heal before doing any kind of scope.  In fact, we might not even do a scope, as long as things heal up well.  If there was an infection or other concern, he would possibly check things out, but either way, we are going to wait several weeks to make a decision.

I definitely feel much better after getting more opinions from different doctors!


I will also be having another PET scan before my next chemo, which is a question I've been asked by several people.  That way, we will get a look at how the chemo is working at the half-way point.

Thanks for the prayers and love!