PET Scan

PET Scan time is not my favorite time.

The stress and anxiety of the unknowns and the dark cloud of questioning when cancer is going to return is hard enough; add on the unpleasantness of fasting for at least 6 hours prior to the study, plus 24 hours of a water/lean protein/green veggie diet?  Well, like I said....not my favorite.  

A massive headache from last night into the morning made it difficult to get out of bed.  Once I finally did, I walked into the kitchen to get breakfast for the boys and became instantly nauseous.  Running to the sink, I dry heaved, but nothing came out.....until I left to help the boys again....and threw up on the floor.  Again, nothing really came out....just bile.  And, I couldn't eat or drink anything to get that taste out of my mouth.  

Then came the fun part: dealing with insurance.  Thankfully, the wonderful ladies at Dr. Fleener's office are AMAZING and helped convince the hospital people to not collect the full deductible from me, but to wait until their claim went through.  

My wonderful oncology nurses happily accessed my port, so I didn't need an IV.  They could tell I wasn't my *normal* self, so asked me to come back after the scan to get some fluids and possibly nausea meds.  

It was then time to get my wonderful injection of radioactive isotopes and wait for that junk to get through my body.  The scan is the easy part: just lie still with my arms over my head and practically sleep for an hour.  

I'm glad for the love and care from the nurses who insisted in getting me fluids and crackers and juice to help get me back to myself again.  

Now, home to rest and get rid of this massive headache and back to waiting and hoping for good results!!!

H&P #18

I finally took the boys to go see Disney's new movie, Moana.

I LOVED IT!!!  I thought it was a beautiful story, with beautiful imagery, and it made me want to take another trip to some islands.  I enjoyed so much of Moana's story--she was chosen for great things, she was conflicted about how and where she should lead her people, her courage/determination/spunk, her desire to make the world a better place.

**spoilers ahead!**

My favorite side story of the movie was the amazing theme of love within a family.  It's not often that Disney gives us a story of a full family unit, as princesses often lose parents, grow up not knowing parents, have only one parent, etc.  Moana shows the love of father, mother, daughter, and grandmother, which all play a great role in her story.  In the great circle of life, as Moana grows, we see Gramma Tala aging, as well.  It is when Gramma becomes ill and close to death that Moana gains the strength she needs to leave and fulfill her life's mission.

This scene struck a chord with me, especially Gramma Tala's dying words to Moana.

After Gramma's encouragement and plea for Moana to go, leave, become who she was always meant to be by doing what she as always meant to do, Moana responds, tearfully, "I can't leave you!"

Gramma Tala's answer was so powerful to me: 
"There is no where you could go that I won?t be with you."

I know the tears which came next were not for Gramma's death or Moana's courage to try, but in relation to my own life.  Unfortunately, I have had to come face to face with the very real possibility that I will die long before I want and much sooner than I could have imagined.  At that moment in the movie, I pictured myself----MANY YEARS down the road---giving my last words of counsel and encouragement to my own children.  And, what better answer when they cry that me leaving is too soon and they don't want to or can't go on without me than to copy Gramma Tala:  My son, "There is no where you could go that I won't be with you."  For, I strongly believe that my calling of mother will not end with my last breath in this life.  I, too, will be with them on their journeys, giving them comfort, protection, encouragement, and love.

For, really, isn't this something each of us has already been promised before when we fear the hard journeys of life?

Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.
                                                        (Joshua 1:9)

As we embark on the difficult, sometimes dangerous, paths to fulfill our destinies, and become the people we were always meant to be, may we always remember that the Lord has gone before us, so that He can be with us where ever we may go.  There is, truly, no where we could go that He will not be with us.  Knowing that is the best reason to follow him, by being strong and of good courage, not afraid or dismayed in the challenges we face in doing what must be done, no matter the hardships.

The hardest part in all of my cancer journey has been facing the possibility of leaving my family far too soon from mortality.  Even this should not be a fear, if I believe that God will get me (and them) through it  because He is with me (and them).  And, because He does this for me, I take great comfort in being able to pass that comfort onto my children.

That helps me "be not afraid."

H&P #17 + appt. with Fleener

Seventeen.  

Seventeen treatments in 2016 + more in 2017.  That's almost perfect for a treatment once every three weeks.  

Today I met with Dr. Fleener.  She asked how things are going.  The phrase "praise Jesus" was offered more than once in response to my answers, that things are going well, mostly status quo.  No diarrhea, no extreme exhaustion, nothing out of the ordinary to report.  

"How's the rash?" she asked.  

"It's gone," I answered.

"Gone?"  

"Yes! Do you want to see?"

"Wow.  All I can see are the scars marking where the rash once was.  Praise Jesus!  Have you been putting cream on it?"

"NO. The only thing I've done differently is take vitamins for skin, hair, and nails, and my skin cleared up."

"Those do have Vitamin E.  As long as it keeps working, I say just keep taking it!  You are my poster-child patient!  I tell people I have a patient who's been on this Herceptin/Perjeta regimen for awhile, and she just keeps going along, doing well.  I'm going to write a book about you someday!!"

I won't come back until January 17th and will make an appointment for my ECHO and PET then, hopefully having met my deductible by then and worked out payments by then.  

The 17th.  of 2017. 

That number keeps jumping out at me.  I usually love celebrating the new year, thinking on the past year's goals and making resolutions for the year ahead.  This year, cancer is making that difficult.

Although 2016 has not been the best year in social events and new stories, it's been a good year for our family.  I've been in remission for the entire year!  We've traveled more and further than perhaps any other year.  My first book was published.  Stephen is the healthiest he's been in a decade.  We've had much joy and happiness.  And, cancer was hardly a blip on the screen.  

But, we're coming up on 2017, another odd-numbered year.  

Perhaps it's a superstitious thing, but the odd years haven't had the best record when it comes to cancer:

2013--1st diagnosis + treatments, surgeries

2014--beat cancer

2015--2nd diagnosis + treatments

2016--in remission

2017--?

As scared as I might be of cancer's return, especially in the next odd-numbered year, all that comes back to mind is:

FEAR NOT.

Fear not, for God is with me.

Fear not, believe only. (see Luke 8:50)

And, the words to a hymn:

Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed,

For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.

I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,

Upheld by my righteous, upheld by my righteous,

Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand. 

(see "How Firm a Foundation")

No matter what 2017 brings, I need not fear.  God knows me and will bless me, in every condition, with His eternal, unchangeable love.  

With that testimony, I can move forward with the knowledge that 2017 will be a good year, one in which I can continue stomping out cancer.  

H& P #16

Today, as I work toward a goal to Light the World, I was asked to ponder on and share a favorite scripture.  The first one that came to mind was one that has been a favorite since my high school days.  

And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them. (Ether 12:27)

I began to love this verse even more through a study and discussion in one of my years of seminary.  The teacher knew that most of the students, including myself, were familiar with this passage.  However, he wondered if anyone knew that back story that prompted this response from above.  We skimmed back a few verses and learned.  A prophet lists many great things that were done by faith.  He marvels at the miracles and blessings that come from God.  Then, he worries that the things he writes will not be received because he is not talented at writing.  He fears the mocking of others.

It was the next part that hit home:

And thou hast made us that we could write but little, because of the awkwardness of our hands.  (Ether 12:25).

All of my life I had been mocked because of the birth defect that caused my own hands to have "awkwardness."  There were many tasks made more challenging because of this weakness.  I had often complained in a similar way. 

However, God's answer is simple.  Everyone on earth has weakness.  God blesses us with talents, but he also allows for our individual weak areas.  When life is difficult or a task seems insurmountable, all He asks is that we turn to Him in faith.  When we recognize that we are weak and ask for God's help, it is then we He can make us strong.   

In different seasons of life, we describe the weakness and awkwardness of our experiences, perhaps something like this:

• "God, you've made it that I can sleep but little, because of the newness of my baby."
• "God, I feel that I can teach but little, because of the difficulty of my students."
• "My ability to make it through the day is but little, because of length of each hour.  
• "God, I only feel like surviving but little, because of the length of my battle."

In those low moments, humility is the answer.  Faith is a big part of it, too.  No matter what the awkwardness may be, there is help from on high to overcome, to develop, to become strong enough to endure.  And, when you begin to see that strength, the ways in which the Lord is blessing you and making your "weak things become strong," that is when you see the miracles of life-both the large and the small.  

One such miracle I've notice in my life, (Beside the headaches finally going away!), is one I see in the mirror everyday.  Early on in the treatment of cancer this time around, I began to have a terrible skin reaction.  The doctors and nurses all believed it was an allergic reaction or a side effect from one, or more of, my drugs.  Then, when I completed the hard chemo, we'd hoped the rash would go away, too.  No such luck--they were here to stay and often became worse: large, red, itchy, and sometimes even with whiteheads.  Thankfully, they were mostly contained to my torso, rarely popping up on legs, arms, or face.  Here's a refresher from July 2nd:

I have not changed my drug list.  I continue to receive the same cancer treatments that were causing this unfortunate side effect.  However, the reaction has not been bad in the last few months.  If fact, it's starting to heal!  

(You can still see the traces of my mastectomy and the drain exit points.) 

Whether it's my body building up resistance, the new hair, skin, & nails vitamins I started taking, or God simply helping me to be strong enough to overcome, I'm so grateful for this relief!  My skin, as you can see, is not completely back to normal, but God is slowly and steadily, in a million different ways, making weak things become strong through countless miracles.  

Melodee Cooper is a Texan by birth, a Texas Aggie by choice, the wife of a fellow Aggie because ?he loves her more,? and a mother of three boys by a combination of time, modern science, and divine intervention. She has taught both 5th and 6th grade math and science, and is now able to be a stay-at-home mom, an author, an amateur decorator, a crafter, a blogger, and a holiday enthusiast. She is battling Stage 4 cancer while remaining optimistic and grateful for the blessings in her life. Melodee is the co-author of "Suffering & Surviving: Finding Sunshine in the Storm," and hopes to lift others through sharing her experiences and faith.

H&P 15, appt. with Dr. Fleener

I have hesitated to record this on my blog because I didn't want anyone (other than me) to have to carry worry on their shoulders.  However, maybe it's better to get it out there now instead of letting it hit everyone out of nowhere in case it turns into something.  

For almost 3 weeks, I've had headaches that won't completely go away.  In the early stages, Dr. Pepper would help.  In the last 3-4 days, it's gotten much worse, especially when I'm driving or when coming up from picking something off the floor.   It feels like an intense pressure starting on the back of my head and moving up through to the front.  It's like feeling completely lightheaded, but also having a wave of pain.  Headaches with lots of pressure can be scary with stage 4 cancer.  

I talked to Dr. Fleener about it and was instantly reminded why I love her so much.  She just gets it.  She said that she would happily send me for a brain MRI, even if it's just for peace of mind.  However, the symptoms I explained did not put her on high alert for cancer.  It's much more likely that the pressure is related to an infection that I have (most likely laryngitis or sinusitis) than to a tumor.  She prescribed some antibiotics for me to take and monitor the headache over the weekend.  By Monday, if I'm still concerned, she asked me to call and schedule an MRI.  "By no means are you to go through the Thanksgiving holiday worrying about this!," she insisted.  

So, there's that.  

Sadly, it's always lurking in the back of my mind (no pun intended)...this idea, the question of when and where cancer is going to come back.  

Most days, I truly try to live in the moment, to enjoy something, anything, every day.  I strive to take the highs and the lows in stride without worrying too much about what will or will not come the next day.  I'm not saying I've stopped planning for the future.  We still do plenty of that, for what's the point of life if you don't have something to work toward, goals to reach, and an exciting plan as motivation?  

I refuse to let the dark cloud of cancer shade my joy.  Uncertainty and fear will not keep me from experiencing, learning, and seeking the sunshine.  Cancer might come back quickly, or I might live much longer than anyone could expect.  No matter what happens, I will continue to look for the bright spots, giving thanks unto God for all He has blessed me with.  

One of my favorite quotes, one that I display each November in celebration of Thanksgiving tells just why gratitude is so important: 

Every day I need heaven's help.  I need God's love and I need to allow myself to feel that love, even in the difficult moments.  

Life is good even when it's hard, and I will keep on fighting, with heaven helping me move onward.  

These boots are made for kicking cancer to the curb!!

Post-Surgery

After my MRI results showed a meniscus tear and loose cartilage on my left knee, it was FINALLY time for surgery.  This knee has been bothering me with pain--off and on---for years now.  Every time I think I'm going to have it looked at, I get sucked into fighting cancer again.  Not this time.  We were going to do something about it!  

Thankfully, Dr. V. had a cancelectomy on Friday morning, the first case of the day.  Stephen counseled me to get the first case of the day, as that is the ONLY one guaranteed to start on time.  I didn't want to be one of the afternoon cases and go hours and hours without anything to eat or drink.  It also worked out that, but some amazing coincidence, that Stephen was off on Friday.  Also, his brother came into town and SAVED us by getting up with our boys and getting them off to school.  This way, Stephen was able to drive me and stay at the hospital for updates. 

Since I'd already pre-registered, I was back in my room before Stephen parked the car.  I had time to change and watch a little tv while we waited.  The nurse came in and BY ANOTHER AMAZING MIRACLE, she ACTUALLY LISTENED when I told her that I'm a hard stick.  And, what do you know?  She nailed the I.V.!!!  This is truly the greatest blessing of the day.  I HATE I.V.s.  Hate them. Usually, I tell the nurse that I'm a hard stick.  He or she then feels my veins and says something like, "this one is great.  I can get it."  I remind him or her that I AM A HARD STICK, but they don't believe me and go ahead....without numbing medicine....and, what do you know?  MISSES.   For every single procedure I have ever had done that required and I.V., the average is me having 2-3 needle sticks before an I.V. gets started correctly.  But, this nurse listened.  She explained that she's learned the hard way to listen.  Now, she stays away from those "teaser veins," as she calls them, the ones that feel like they're great, but are just teasing you.  She used numbing medicine and got the IV in on the first try....WITHOUT ANY READJUSTMENTS!!!!  And, I didn't feel a thing!  This was an answer to prayers, so thank you to all who prayed for this procedure!  Good came from it before the hard part got started!!!

Anesthesia came in....handpicked by Stephen....we rolled back, I moved over the to OR table....and things went black until I was not wanting to wake up from my amazing nap.  

Dr. V. came to talk to Stephen and gave him this pictures of my knee.  The top left picture is from my medial side.  It looks good.  The other pictures show the meniscus tear, as well as some red/pink on the bones.  This is the bad part.  "She's been dealing with this a long time, hasn't she?," Dr. V asked Stephen.  (He's another example of my high pain tolerance NOT always being a good thing.  Should've taken care of this sooner.)  "This is basically bone on bone, so she's going to need cortisone shots.  When those don't work, a knee replacement."  What I've learned from this?  DO NOT PUT OFF going to the doctor!!!  Perhaps if I had taken care of this before hand, I could've saved more of my knee.  

Physical Therapy then came in to instruct me on using the crutches to walk and go up and down stairs.  They also explained and practiced 6 different exercises that I need to do 2-3 times each day.  It's also important to keep in elevated and iced to keep the swelling down.  

After that, we were home before 11:00, and I was able to rest for most of the afternoon!

I'm hopeful that I'll recover well and have some relief from the pain.  Time will tell, but for now I'm grateful that the surgery went smoothly and for the prayers and great care from all the doctors, nurses, and techs who assisted in this procedure and helped make my experience a good one!

Shipwreck Grill Fundraiser

Twelve hours of fun/work.

Amazing opportunity.

Incredible community Support.

Pink Warriors.

So grateful and honored.  

So many local businesses were in a giving mood.  We ended up with TEN packages to give away at the raffle!!!  (I wish I would've thought ahead of time about having someone there to sell tickets while I was eating or mingling.)  I was also able to use the raffle money to sponsor our local support group in the virtual 5K we are doing, as well as to help with our float for the local Christmas parade.

I loved pulling out some of the pink decor I've collected over the year--the pink pumpkin my Pink Warriors made for me last year, the art I won at last year's Pink Alliance luncheon....so fun!

I was able to give out lots of paper cranes and tell the story of Sadako, while passing on wishes of love and hope!

My picture is in this Beyond Boobs! 2017 calendar!  We sold some at the event.  

At each of the tables, we put these thank-yous, along with a little background on the story.  

I was so glad so many of our friends and co-workers were able to come join us for a fun day.  

With all the generous donations from the 20% of the profits of the restaurant's sales as well as those from our gofundme account, we were almost able to raise enough for our deductible and co-insurance for 2017!!!  Thank you!  Thank you!!!