I am not a person who does well in the "Waiting Place." {Dr. Seuss, "Oh, the Places You'll Go.} It's the place where people are "just waiting." Unfortunately, I've been stuck just waiting to learn more about this cancer returning and waiting for the fight to begin. I'm waiting for more information about my treatment, for answers on how this happened, what I can do about it, and how long I can expect to live by fighting. The waiting and not knowing leaves time to think about the hardest part of cancer this time: that there is NO CURE! I still have so much left to do to fulfill my role as wife and mother and "to live so that [I] can touch the hearts, build the hopes, and teach mankind," as my patriarchal blessing promises.
Sunday was one of those days that hit hard. I was emotional, even while trying to stay strong. I don't mind talking about cancer to anyone, and I don't feel awkward about sharing with others and comforting and mourning with those around me. We all have "stuff" we are dealing with, whether it is out in the open and easily seen or silent and personal. For some reason, the stress of waiting and the emotions from the unknown hit me all at once on Sunday, and I cried....a lot.
Part of these emotions came from not knowing how much time I have left. I have so much still to do---my Bucket List is long, and many of the items on there revolve around my family. I don't want to leave them without their wife and mom. We were learning about how the role of parents is ordained of God. Specifically, the discussion about roles of mothers hit me and brought into focus how much I still need to do to fulfill this role. Ezra Taft Benson taught that, "[mothers] are...the very heart and soul of the family." My family is the reason I will fight. I will fight for the rest of my life, but I don't want to think about this life being cut short. "A child needs a mother mother than all the things money can buy." {Sermons and Writings of Ezra Taft Benson, 217.} Even though I've heard the comfort that "if you can fix it with money, don't worry about it," this time around, I don't know if we can fix it with money, and that scares me.
Having cancer return at Stage 4 isn't scary because I'm scared to die; I'm scared to not have the time or energy to be a mother, and I don't want to leave my children and husband alone too soon. This fear was right in my face when our lesson specifically listed out what should be done to be an effective mother, from Ezra Taft Benson. The first was, whenever possible, to "be at the crossroads when your children are either coming or going." How can I be there, if I'm not here? It's terrifying! Second, "take time be a real friend to your children.....Third, take time to read to your children.....Fourth, take time to pray with your children.....Fifth, take time to have a meaningful weekly home evening....Sixth, take time to be together at mealtimes as often as possible....Seventh, take time daily to read the scriptures together as a family....Eighth, take time to do things as a family.....Ninth, take time to teach your children....Tenth, take time to truly love your children." {Ezra Taft Benson} If you hadn't noticed, all of these roles of motherhood require us to "take time." What if time is the very thing I don't have in this world? How am I going to make as much time as possible when I don't know how much time I have left? THIS is the scary thing about cancer, specifically stage 4, and these are the very things I need to fill my time with, whatever time I have.
Stage 4 cancer, something that has no cure, is scary. I'm afraid to not be able to leave enough of my influence with these little souls who have been sent to my life. But, I am going to fight. I will "not go gentle into that good night." I will "...rage, rage against the dying of the night." {Dylan Thomas} I am a fighter and will face this fear with all I have.
I leave you with a quote my mother-in-law found me, one that summed up my emotions from that day. "There is no living thing that is not afraid when it faces danger. The true courage is in facing danger when you are afraid." {L. Frank Baum} May I push out fear by showing "true courage" in the fight of my life.
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