Today is hard, and I think it's harder because I know so much from last time. I've been through the valley of the shadow of death and come out on the other side once, and I don't want to willingly go there again, especially so soon after my last visit. I'm already weakened physically from radiation and emotionally from the frustrations and questions of why this is starting again so soon. On the day of my first chemo in 2013, I was nervous and anxious and unsure what would happen, but went in strong and determined, with a fighter's fearlessness. This time, I'm scared of my diagnosis, already tired and not looking forward to the fight.
But, I'm not a quitter--unless you count gymnastics, ballet, piano, that one AP Calculus class, choir, Sonic, Dillard's, UVSC, a 1,000 calorie daily diet...Well, maybe I am a quitter, but not on the life-and-death kind.
One thing is sure: I am a fighter. I've been clawing and fighting my way through life long before cancer reared its ugly head. I was one of those strong-willed, stubborn children who became an independent and strong-willed adult. I'm destined to keep on fighting.
Ready to start? As ready as I'll ever be:
I've said that cancer converted me....changed my heart, solidified my desire to stand as a witness of God, made me into an optimist, helped me to seek the light in life and to understand that simply keeping the commandments does not me we will have a life free of pain and trial. My first cancer battle also taught me a deeper faith in Jesus Christ and helped me draw on the power of the atonement, specifically the power of knowing that we are never alone and nothing we might be called to endure is something He has not already taken upon Himself.
Perhaps this time around, I can use my deeper faith foundation as a starting point. There is never a time in this life when we have done all we can do or learned all there is to learn.
I will continue to to ask what God would have me learn, how I can use my experiences to bless the lives of others, and to recognize and give praise for the tender mercies of His love.
A few tender mercies have already happened today: Stephen is off this week, so he is able to take Evan to his preschool open house when I can't. The parking lot in front of the cancer center is completely blocked off, due to construction. I had too many things to carry that I parked at a dentist's office next door. When I mentioned to the nurses my concern about being towed, they immediately volunteered to move my car for me! I'm sitting right next to another Melody, who has 2 grown boys and gave me her card and cell number, should I have any questions or simply want to talk. I met with a researcher who wants to enroll me in a special study for patients with metastatic HER2+ breast cancer. That gives me hope that I can assist in possibly helping the lives of others and aiding in research that could even benefit me one day. I have any amazing support system that brought me to tears with their outpouring of love and positive messages. It is with your love, prayers, and positivity that I have the strength to move forward and fight.
After reading Facebook posts, comments, messages, and email:
Even though I'm scared, upset, weakened, and wanting to quit, I will fight on and carry on with faith. Cancer picked the wrong girl, and I'm going to kick its butt.
Here's today's cancer kicks!
Today I had blood drawn for research purposes, a bag of steroids, a bag of Benadryl, and a bag of a nausea medicine before the real stuff. Then, it's Perjeta and Herceptin to target the Her2 receptors and Taxotere, the "real" chemo of choice for this time around. Let the next round of the fight begin!!!!
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