So Long, 2015

2015 was not my favorite.  

It seems at the end of each year when I reflect on the previous 364 days, I can always find good and bad.  Some years, the good outweighs the bad.  In years like this, I am just ready to put it behind me and start fresh.  

I read a quote the other day about that half empty/half full glass and our outlook on it.  It said something like:

"Whether you think the glass is half empty or half full, you're missing the point.  The glass is refillable."  

 A new year gives us opportunities to refill our glasses.  We can assess our lives and make goals to improve.  We can start over----start fresh---change.  We can refill the glasses with what is important and see each day as an opportunity to do something to make our lives better.  When the glass is less than full, refill it!  

HOW?!?  

How can this be possible when what drains the glass is beyond our control?  How can I be full of good energy when bad things keep getting dumped my way?  How can I remember not to get down when my glass always seems to be less than full?  

There is only one answer:  Faith that someday all things will be made right, that every glass will be filled.  Our hope in that truth can help us refill the glass each day, even when the outlook is bleak.  We can be like the wise virgins and strive to always be filling our vessels, even if one drop at a time.  (see Matthew 25).   I have learned to not worry that my glass never seems to be completely full, for I am constantly being buoyed up---by recognizing blessings,  through the power of prayer, and with my faith in Christ.  

To close up the year of Sunday School, we opened a time capsule: answers we had written to our future selves, answering the question: "What think ye of Christ."  On Jaunary 4, 2015, I wrote this:

"I know our Savior knows each of us personally.  He is our advocate with the Father.  If we will yoke our lives with His, we will have the strength to make it through any trial."       

How interesting that this was my testimony early in the year---BEFORE the terrible news that cancer had returned sought to drain my glass.  I already had that foundation to understand that faith in Christ gives us strength to endure.  This faith also helps us refill our glasses because Jesus Christ is that living water that never runs dry.  This faith will not only fill our glasses in this life, but will "spring up into everlasting life."  (see John 4: 10, 14).  

For those still feeling like their glass is never full, that there are never enough blessings to outweigh the challenges, remember the source of living water--Jesus Christ.  Remember that there is more than just a glass to be filled.  Someday, we will see the fountains of living water, such that we will never thirst.  We will not have to worry about an empty or full glass because the fountains will never run dry, and all the tears will be wiped from our eyes.  (See Revelation 7:17).  Someday, it won't matter how empty or full our glasses were in 2015, but that we sought to never let them completely run dry, with help from the Living Water. 

 

RADIOACTIVE!!! (The After PET Scan)

Natassia had a PET Scan today.  This scan will hopefully show no evidence of disease. 



I was able to have my port accessed by my lovely nurses at the Cancer Clinic prior to checking in for the PET scan this time.  Even though we had to use 2 different needles and stick me 3 times, it was still MUCH better than an IV.  I was sent off to the PET scan with a bag of flushes and ready to become radioactive.  After the injection, I waited 45 minutes for full potency, emptied my bladder, and went in for the 20 minutes of scans. 

There were the familiar warnings: your heart and bladder are the most radioactive for the next two hours, so stay away from young children, and especially don't hug them, hold them, or let them sit in your lap.  {Basically, what you're telling me is I have 2 hours to myself????? SWEET!}  Lunch, errands---oil change and post office---with no children?  Practically a vacation. 

Now we wait.  I'm hoping for the best and preparing for anything less.  As Kyle predicted: "I bet it will be mostly gone, but not completely."  We shall see......

After the Last Round

"Better out than in, I always say."

                      ----Shrek

This has been the theme of the last few weeks, as my body attempts to rid itself of that last round of chemo.  I finally experienced the "extreme diarrhea" I was warned about in the beginning.  It kept me in bed for an entire day and then came back with a vengeance for round two.  

If the poison wasn't trying to escape through my digestive system, it was popping out all over through my skin.  New little friends showed up each day in the usual places---my arms, legs, and entire torso: 

Up until now, I've been able to keep these covered because they were all in locations under clothes, but it finally made its way to my face this round.  Not only am I dealing with feeling sick, losing all my hair, and having no energy, but now I've been able to feel like an acne-prone teenager again!  I'm just hoping that whatever I'm reacting to is going to make its way out and then be gone for good.  

It hasn't always felt better going out than being in this round.  However, it's almost out, and hopefully I'm better.  (We will find out after my scan on Tuesday!)     

                   

Leave it to Fleener----ROUND SIX!!!!!!

Well, chemo.  

We meet again, 

for the second last time, 

until the next time.

  

On the first "last time," there were balloons, and bell-ringing, and the belief that I had "beat the hell outta cancer."  

I didn't beat it well enough.

Fourteen months was not long enough to enjoy this feeling and to feel confident that this "last time" truly is the last "last time" for all time.  However, I have fought another good fight and will celebrate the tender mercies that have come with this battle.  Today I have been celebrating in pink and bringing joy and hope to other cancer patients with my crown, tutu, and glittery heals.  It's a day to rejoice and be glad!

Today's cancer kicks: 

I feel like somewhat of a fake for celebrating my "last chemo."  I have no assurance that I am through.  I have never been given any promises that I will remain in remission.  At no time have doctors allowed me to believe that my disease has a cure.  In fact, the opposite is true.  Once a cancer metastasizes, it becomes stage 4, and stage 4 cancer is like a virus.  You can treat it, let time help you beat it back, but you cannot cure it.  It will return.  Your only hope is to fight it off for as long as possible and wait for it to come back, with the added hope that you will catch it soon enough and that it will not return to somewhere like the brain. My form of stage 4 cancer is aggressive; It will eventually kill me.

There have been many times when I find it difficult to have hope in this battle.  I will most likely die from cancer, but I have no idea how much time I have.  I assume my time is short, but I must press forward no matter how long I have.  I have come to accept this, but it has not diminished my faith.

In fact, a few weeks ago, on a particularly difficult day, this thought came to my mind:

"It is a gift to know that life is short.  Use that knowledge to discover your mission, and live each day as if it were your last.  The Savior knew His mission from the beginning, but He had to wait 30 years to fulfill it.  He used the time between to bless the lives of others.  When you know your purpose and live each day to reach it, that is living, even a day at a time."

I immediately began to see a parallel between what I am experiencing and the earthly mission of our Savior.

At this time of year, we focus on the birth of Jesus Christ, the Son of God.   However, without His atoning sacrifice and resurrection, His birth wouldn't be celebrated.  His birth gave Him earthly life, but His death made eternal life possible for all.  (see Corinthians 15:20-22).

Russell M. Nelson said,

"During His relatively brief sojourn in mortality, the Savior accomplished two overarching objectives. One was His ?work and [His] glory?to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man? (Moses 1:39). The other He stated simply: ?I have given you an example, that ye should do as I have done? (John 13:15)." ("The Mission and Ministry of Jesus Christ, Ensign, April 2013).

Christ lived on earth to give us example to follow, that we should live our lives as He has.  (see John 13:15 and John 14:6).  We must discover our own purposes, our own missions in life, and realize that we are all going to one day leave this mortal existence, without knowing how much time we have.  We should learn to live each day as if it were the last, each day setting and reaching goals, each day trying to be more like the Savior and following His example.

Where can we start?  What if we don't know our purpose?

Start here with what each of us has been instructed to do:

• "Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven." (Matthew 5:16).
• "...Arise and shine forth, that thy light may be a standard for the nations;" (see D&C 115:5).
• "...press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men."  (see 2 Nephi 31:20).

Every person was born with the light of Christ and has been given gifts and talents, both physical and spiritual.  We are instructed to discover our purposes and gifts use them to bless the lives of others and to let the light of Christ shine forth.  We are expected to press forward in faith, no matter how long or short our time on earth may be.  

For me, it could actually be a blessing to know that my days on earth are numbered because of cancer, but I am not alone.  All of your days are numbered, as well!  This mortal existence was never meant to be the end point.  We were all meant for something more.  We are tested and tried here to see if we will do all that is required and if we will stand on the right hand of God, especially when times are tough.  Will we truly live each day as a light that shine the hope and love of God to all men?

I recently came upon this quote that explains the meaning of life:   

The purpose of life is to discover your gift.

The work of life is to develop it.

The meaning of life is to give your gift away.

(1993, Finding Your Strength in Difficult Times: A Book of Meditations by David S. Viscott, Life, Quote Page 87, Contemporary Books of Chicago, Illinois.)
 
Discover your gifts!  I was told once that my purpose in life is to "touch the hearts, build the hopes, and teach mankind."   By discovering my talents, I began to understand this purpose.  I am a teacher by profession, but that is not the only time in my life when I have been given a platform to touch hearts and build hopes.  It has taken time and work to develop those gifts, but as I have given them away by reaching out to others, I have discovered the real meaning in life, no matter how short my time on this earth might be.

As difficult as it was for the Savior to suffer and die for us (see Mark 14:34; D&C 19:18), He fulfilled His mission.  He did not shrink, and He did not simply wait around to die.  He was the only one of all of us to know the exact day when his death would occur, as He explained to His disciples during the Last Supper. (see Matthew 26 and Luke 22).  I don't know exactly when He learned the timing, but as He knew his mission from an early age, it would seem he was aware of the timing of His death sooner than the night before.  Like me, He knew that his life on this earth would be cut short, He did not weep and mourn for His bad luck.  He did not complain or live in darkness.  In fact, He lived as the light of the world and spent His time giving each of us a perfect example to follow and hope that our own trials might be overcome.  Our Savior died to ?[gain] the victory over the grave? (Morm. 7:5). In Him ?the sting of death is swallowed up? (Mosiah 16:8). Through Him, we can find ?peace in this world, and eternal life in the world to come? (D&C 59:23). Of all people, He had reason to shrink, but he never did.  

As each of us strive to follow His example, to learn our own purpose and mission for this earth, and arise to let our lights shine to others, pressing forward with that hope, we might someday be able to say for ourselves, "to this end was I born, and for this cause came I into the world, that I should bear witness unto the truth? (John 18:37).  No matter our trials, no matter the amount of time we have, if we learn to..."believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God..." we will "...have life through his name. "(see John 20:31; emphasis added).  Our life on this earth, no matter how short, can be filled with purpose and the hope that come from sharing the light of Christ through our own unique gifts.

Pink Warriors!!!

 

This month I will finish chemo for 2015----no matter what!   I have a feeling this will not be the last chemo in my life, but at least I can say it will be the last round for the year.  

Back on December 1st, we started off the month in the right way--with PINK POWER!!!  So many people who work with Stephen in the OR went pink for us, and how fun it was to see pictures throughout the day.  I'm so grateful to have these people on my team! 

  

 

GO PINK!!!