Well, chemo.
We meet again,
for the second last time,
until the next time.
On the first "last time," there were balloons, and bell-ringing, and the belief that I had "beat the hell outta cancer."
I didn't beat it well enough.
Fourteen months was not long enough to enjoy this feeling and to feel confident that this "last time" truly is the last "last time" for all time. However, I have fought another good fight and will celebrate the tender mercies that have come with this battle. Today I have been celebrating in pink and bringing joy and hope to other cancer patients with my crown, tutu, and glittery heals. It's a day to rejoice and be glad!
Today's cancer kicks:
I feel like somewhat of a fake for celebrating my "last chemo." I have no assurance that I am through. I have never been given any promises that I will remain in remission. At no time have doctors allowed me to believe that my disease has a cure. In fact, the opposite is true. Once a cancer metastasizes, it becomes stage 4, and stage 4 cancer is like a virus. You can treat it, let time help you beat it back, but you cannot cure it. It will return. Your only hope is to fight it off for as long as possible and wait for it to come back, with the added hope that you will catch it soon enough and that it will not return to somewhere like the brain. My form of stage 4 cancer is aggressive; It will eventually kill me.
There have been many times when I find it difficult to have hope in this battle. I will most likely die from cancer, but I have no idea how much time I have. I assume my time is short, but I must press forward no matter how long I have. I have come to accept this, but it has not diminished my faith.
In fact, a few weeks ago, on a particularly difficult day, this thought came to my mind:
"It is a gift to know that life is short. Use that knowledge to discover your mission, and live each day as if it were your last. The Savior knew His mission from the beginning, but He had to wait 30 years to fulfill it. He used the time between to bless the lives of others. When you know your purpose and live each day to reach it, that is living, even a day at a time."
I immediately began to see a parallel between what I am experiencing and the earthly mission of our Savior.
At this time of year, we focus on the birth of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. However, without His atoning sacrifice and resurrection, His birth wouldn't be celebrated. His birth gave Him earthly life, but His death made eternal life possible for all. (see Corinthians 15:20-22).
Russell M. Nelson said,
"During His relatively brief sojourn in mortality, the Savior accomplished two overarching objectives. One was His ?work and [His] glory?to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man? (Moses 1:39). The other He stated simply: ?I have given you an example, that ye should do as I have done? (John 13:15)." ("The Mission and Ministry of Jesus Christ, Ensign, April 2013).
Christ lived on earth to give us example to follow, that we should live our lives as He has. (see John 13:15 and John 14:6). We must discover our own purposes, our own missions in life, and realize that we are all going to one day leave this mortal existence, without knowing how much time we have. We should learn to live each day as if it were the last, each day setting and reaching goals, each day trying to be more like the Savior and following His example.
Where can we start? What if we don't know our purpose?
Start here with what each of us has been instructed to do:
- "Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven." (Matthew 5:16).
- "...Arise and shine forth, that thy light may be a standard for the nations;" (see D&C 115:5).
- "...press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men." (see 2 Nephi 31:20).
Every person was born with the light of Christ and has been given gifts and talents, both physical and spiritual. We are instructed to discover our purposes and gifts use them to bless the lives of others and to let the light of Christ shine forth. We are expected to press forward in faith, no matter how long or short our time on earth may be.
For me, it could actually be a blessing to know that my days on earth are numbered because of cancer, but I am not alone. All of your days are numbered, as well! This mortal existence was never meant to be the end point. We were all meant for something more. We are tested and tried here to see if we will do all that is required and if we will stand on the right hand of God, especially when times are tough. Will we truly live each day as a light that shine the hope and love of God to all men?
I recently came upon this quote that explains the meaning of life:
The purpose of life is to discover your gift.
The work of life is to develop it.
The meaning of life is to give your gift away.
(1993, Finding Your Strength in Difficult Times: A Book of Meditations by David S. Viscott, Life, Quote Page 87, Contemporary Books of Chicago, Illinois.)
Discover your gifts! I was told once that my purpose in life is to "touch the hearts, build the hopes, and teach mankind." By discovering my talents, I began to understand this purpose. I am a teacher by profession, but that is not the only time in my life when I have been given a platform to touch hearts and build hopes. It has taken time and work to develop those gifts, but as I have given them away by reaching out to others, I have discovered the real meaning in life, no matter how short my time on this earth might be.
As difficult as it was for the Savior to suffer and die for us (see Mark 14:34; D&C 19:18), He fulfilled His mission. He did not shrink, and He did not simply wait around to die. He was the only one of all of us to know the exact day when his death would occur, as He explained to His disciples during the Last Supper. (see Matthew 26 and Luke 22). I don't know exactly when He learned the timing, but as He knew his mission from an early age, it would seem he was aware of the timing of His death sooner than the night before. Like me, He knew that his life on this earth would be cut short, He did not weep and mourn for His bad luck. He did not complain or live in darkness. In fact, He lived as the light of the world and spent His time giving each of us a perfect example to follow and hope that our own trials might be overcome. Our Savior died to ?[gain] the victory over the grave? (Morm. 7:5). In Him ?the sting of death is swallowed up? (Mosiah 16:8). Through Him, we can find ?peace in this world, and eternal life in the world to come? (D&C 59:23). Of all people, He had reason to shrink, but he never did.
As each of us strive to follow His example, to learn our own purpose and mission for this earth, and arise to let our lights shine to others, pressing forward with that hope, we might someday be able to say for ourselves, "to this end was I born, and for this cause came I into the world, that I should bear witness unto the truth? (John 18:37). No matter our trials, no matter the amount of time we have, if we learn to..."believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God..." we will "...have life through his name. "(see John 20:31; emphasis added). Our life on this earth, no matter how short, can be filled with purpose and the hope that come from sharing the light of Christ through our own unique gifts.
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