One Year Mark

I remember it all:  The call to come in for results...the thought that Dr. O could just give the papers to Stephen at work; it was a pain for me to get childcare and go all the way to his office to be told the scans found hairline fractures....the urgency in which I was fit into the obviously busy schedule....not going into the normal exam room....Dr. O joining me much quicker than before.  I was prepared to hear ideas of how we would be able to get my pain under control.

"The scans revealed hairline fractures in your back, but they also found something more concerning."  (The awful pit in my stomach and the tears and fears overtaking my emotions and spilling out my eyes.)
"There are metastatic lesions in your spine and other bones."
 (Knowing what it meant, but hoping it wasn't the "C" word.)  "What does this mean?"
"Cancer is back."

 I sent a "call me ASAP" text to Stephen; he called within seconds.  (I never have emergencies.)
I explained that I was at Dr. O's office, getting results.
"I was just at work with him.  Why couldn't he tell me then?"
"My cancer is back."

The world slowed down almost to a stop, as if both of us were fighting for the last breath left on earth.

"I'll be right there."
                                                                 ***********

I still don't believe that Cancer is now my life.  When the darkness fell the first time, I was told, "This will be the worst year of your life, but you'll beat it.  You'll get back to living.  You're a fighter."

I fought.  I beat it.

It came back.

Now, cancer is just part of me.   I'm a survivor, but I'm now faced with a lifetime of fighting.  I will continue to beat cancer every day of my life.  Some days are easy, others are less than perfect, and some I just want to sleep through and wake up from what must be a terrible nightmare.  But, every day that I wake up with good health is a day I continue to fight.  

There are stories of heroes in history that inspire us to reach beyond what we once thought possible.  In some ways, my own little world of fighting cancer has been able to reach out to others. I have found great purpose in this trial.  Cancer is terrible;  I don't wish it on anyone, but I have seen how my example of surviving the storm has given light to others.  My story is your story.  Where I discuss cancer, you can fill in your own cross to carry.  Where I see the light in the darkness, you might learn to seek your own silver linings.

One year ago today, my world changed forever.  I will never have freedom from cancer, but I choose to not be in bondage to the disease.  My fight includes bringing courage and gratitude into a world full of doubt and frustration.  If I can help free others from the burden of their own battles, I will have won.  The difficulty of carrying the weight of cancer on my shoulders becomes lighter as I see how I am strengthened to withstand.  I have hope that cancer won't win, as I only allow it to bring me down when I give up faith and refuse to see the blessings in each moment of every day.