H&P #39, Zomeda, Zoladex

"...if a man have faith he must needs have hope; for without faith there cannot be any hope."
(Mor 7:42).

Much of my life in the last few years has been about building faith, and also hope.  These qualities work best hand-in-hand, cultivated together.  My outlook and my focus have shifted in the process into one with less worry, less fear, and more vision of joyful times.  I've improved greatly from adding these spiritual gifts to my life.  


Hope and faith are often all I have to keep me going.  The six weeks of waiting for a follow-up MRI flew by. I was not fearful or hopeless.  I was able to focus on love and faith and life.

This week, I crashed.  I don't know if the anticipation of news had me at an adrenaline high, and once I could let it go for another few months, my body took a break.  I have been tired and low on energy.  A couple of annoying headaches have knocked me down, too.  Maybe I've just finally had a break with soccer practice and games coming to an end for the season, and I've needed to rest.

Life isn't always light and carefree.  Somedays are difficult.  Sometimes it's hard to get motivated to get out of bed.

Hope and faith are sometimes all you can do to get through the day until you can move on to what's next.

Follow-up with Hoover

 Dr. Hoover had nothing but good news about my follow-up MRI results.

There's no swelling, no new spots, and less definition on the MRI

Here's a comparison from last year's MRI to the most recent.  You can see how the swelling in the image on the right was pushing on my left ventricle so much that the blood vessel was hard to see, compared with the image on the left, with much less swelling and a much larger area of blood vessel

Still kicking cancer to the curb, complete with a smile on my face!

I am so grateful for these miracles in my life!!

MRI Follow-up--GOOD NEWS!!!!

Leave it to Fleener:
My first appointment of the day was with Dr. Fleener.  I hadn't heard anything from her office, which was weird.  She usually calls herself or has a nurse call me with news, good or bad.  Hearing nothing could mean everything was fine, and she didn't call because I was coming in today.  It could mean she didn't get the results until later than expected. OR....it could mean the results were too messy to discuss over the phone.

After my vitals were taken, I went into the room and waited.

When the door opened, in walked a smiling doctor, doing a celebratory dance, arms having the MRI report.  "It's good news!" she proclaimed!

"Punctate enhancement involving the cerebellar vermis is redemonstrated, though is somewhat less evident.  The overall location is unchanged.  The degree of enhancement is less intense.  The lesion measured 1-3 mm.  No new areas of enhancement."



Basically, the spots are less prominent on the MRI, some smaller, have not grown, and there are no new areas.

The changes could be due to treatment, so if that's true, the treatment I'm on has done some good.

Y'all?

Prayers work and God still sends miracles.  I swear the prayers from my boys, specifically that "Mommy will not have cancer the year," along with the many, MANY prayers from countless family, friends, and unknown acquaintances of these have made an incredible difference.  Thank you!


As for moving forward, we will continue the Letrozole, a drug to fight estrogen.  We will continue to try to to fight to get my insurance to cover Ibrance, but I won't start taking it on an irregular basis, as that may do more harm than good.  I will have my ovaries removed, an oophorectomy.  We will do another MRI in eight weeks, to make sure things are still looking up.

There is another patient of Dr. Fleener's who also has had to think about cancer trying to creep into her brain.  Dr. Fleener told me that we are in a small club of people who "we don't know if these results are due to treatment or just a God thing.  And we don't care either way, as long as it stays away."

It's so nice to have an answer AND that the answer is so positive!
I mentioned that I didn't really feel a lot of worry while waiting for these results, even though it's great to hear good news, I'd be glad to hear anything that would help us make a plan to fight.  It's not crazy to be in limbo sometimes, as much of my life is always in limbo.  We try not to focus on it, but stage IV cancer comes with a permanent dark cloud above my head.  When will cancer return?  Where will it be, and how will we fight it?

Dr.  Fleener reminded me how good I am at having that cloud, but continuing to live and try to enjoy whatever time I have.  That is what helps me keep on keepin' on.



Goble this cancer:

After lunch, I had an appointment with Dr. Goble.  He added to Fleener's opinions about the MRI results.  He just kept saying how "optimistic" he is about them.  He is optimistic that these spot are not malignant!  Necrosis, more likely. There was really nothing to say except to plan another MRI in two months. (Which is exactly what Fleener recommended.)



It was good news, and I LOVE good news!!!

H&P #38 (One Week Until Follow-up MRI!)

For the last five weeks, I've tried to move forward with hope and faith, waiting for another MRI, the one which might answer questions about the two small spots in my brain.  I know it seems crazy, but I haven't felt much fear while waiting these last few weeks.  Because much of my life is already clouded with cancer and the knowledge of the possibility that it will most likely return, ready to battle again, it has just become my way of life.

Honestly, I don't like that I have no true way of knowing how many more days and years I have with my family and loved ones.  It can feel overwhelming to continue on without getting down, to continue to dance in the rain without complaining about being wet.

It hurts me that my husband, children, and all those close to me have to take on the heartache, as well, but I've also learned so much about positivity, patience, and prayer, as well as not shrinking in trials through this battle.

As I reflected last Sunday on many of these thoughts, as well as on the prayers, kind words, and concern so many others have sent my way in the last 5 weeks (and the last 5 years),  I was given a little moment of a tender mercy from one of the hymns for our church service.

It's always been hard for me to feel sad while singing "There is Sunshine in my Soul Today," (LDS Hymn #227)---often because I can't help but think about my husband belting out that first line in Spanish:  "HAY GOZO IN MI ALMA HOY!!" I'm smiling now, even as I write this, even with a needle in my chest.

I have both heard and sung this hymn hundreds of times in my life, but what truly hit me personally this time were the words from the fourth verse, which seemed to speak directly to me:

"There is gladness in my soul today,

And hope and praise and love,

For blessings which he gives me now,

For joys ?laid up? above."

It's amazing how the words to hymns, or scripture, or any written word, for that matter, can hit you so differently depending upon your stage in life or your present concerns.  I put one foot in front of the other everyday.  I try to press on without fear and with purpose and positivity, and this verse described this path perfectly.

When I live in gladness, hope, praise, and love because of the many blessings God has given me, I need not worry about the hard things.  I can also learn to be free of fear about what happens next, as there is countless joy waiting for me when I return home with Him.

The scriptures that correspond to this hymn hit home, as well.

"The sun shall be no more thy light by day; neither for brightness shall the moon give light unto thee: but the Lord shall be unto thee an everlasting light, and thy God thy glory." (Isaiah 60:19).

(My hope and light is in the Lord, my God.  That is how I'm able to smile and feel light in the storm.)

"Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoiceth: my flesh also shall rest in hope.
Thou wilt show me the path of life: in thy presence is fulness of joy; at thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore." (Psalm 16: 9,11).

(All the hardships of this cancer battle can rest in hope.  God has a path for me, and even when things are difficult now, He is helping me along the path toward a fulness of joy.)


Thinking these things/seeing and feeling their truth and actually living them are two completely different things.  It's so hard, many days, to completely let the sunshine drive out the sadness, but then again, the song reminds us to take it one day at a time.  Find the sunshine TODAY.