H&P #38 (One Week Until Follow-up MRI!)

For the last five weeks, I've tried to move forward with hope and faith, waiting for another MRI, the one which might answer questions about the two small spots in my brain.  I know it seems crazy, but I haven't felt much fear while waiting these last few weeks.  Because much of my life is already clouded with cancer and the knowledge of the possibility that it will most likely return, ready to battle again, it has just become my way of life.

Honestly, I don't like that I have no true way of knowing how many more days and years I have with my family and loved ones.  It can feel overwhelming to continue on without getting down, to continue to dance in the rain without complaining about being wet.

It hurts me that my husband, children, and all those close to me have to take on the heartache, as well, but I've also learned so much about positivity, patience, and prayer, as well as not shrinking in trials through this battle.

As I reflected last Sunday on many of these thoughts, as well as on the prayers, kind words, and concern so many others have sent my way in the last 5 weeks (and the last 5 years),  I was given a little moment of a tender mercy from one of the hymns for our church service.

It's always been hard for me to feel sad while singing "There is Sunshine in my Soul Today," (LDS Hymn #227)---often because I can't help but think about my husband belting out that first line in Spanish:  "HAY GOZO IN MI ALMA HOY!!" I'm smiling now, even as I write this, even with a needle in my chest.

I have both heard and sung this hymn hundreds of times in my life, but what truly hit me personally this time were the words from the fourth verse, which seemed to speak directly to me:

"There is gladness in my soul today,

And hope and praise and love,

For blessings which he gives me now,

For joys ?laid up? above."

It's amazing how the words to hymns, or scripture, or any written word, for that matter, can hit you so differently depending upon your stage in life or your present concerns.  I put one foot in front of the other everyday.  I try to press on without fear and with purpose and positivity, and this verse described this path perfectly.

When I live in gladness, hope, praise, and love because of the many blessings God has given me, I need not worry about the hard things.  I can also learn to be free of fear about what happens next, as there is countless joy waiting for me when I return home with Him.

The scriptures that correspond to this hymn hit home, as well.

"The sun shall be no more thy light by day; neither for brightness shall the moon give light unto thee: but the Lord shall be unto thee an everlasting light, and thy God thy glory." (Isaiah 60:19).

(My hope and light is in the Lord, my God.  That is how I'm able to smile and feel light in the storm.)

"Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoiceth: my flesh also shall rest in hope.
Thou wilt show me the path of life: in thy presence is fulness of joy; at thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore." (Psalm 16: 9,11).

(All the hardships of this cancer battle can rest in hope.  God has a path for me, and even when things are difficult now, He is helping me along the path toward a fulness of joy.)


Thinking these things/seeing and feeling their truth and actually living them are two completely different things.  It's so hard, many days, to completely let the sunshine drive out the sadness, but then again, the song reminds us to take it one day at a time.  Find the sunshine TODAY.