RADIOACTIVE!!! (The After PET Scan)

Natassia had a PET Scan today.  This scan will hopefully show no evidence of disease. 



I was able to have my port accessed by my lovely nurses at the Cancer Clinic prior to checking in for the PET scan this time.  Even though we had to use 2 different needles and stick me 3 times, it was still MUCH better than an IV.  I was sent off to the PET scan with a bag of flushes and ready to become radioactive.  After the injection, I waited 45 minutes for full potency, emptied my bladder, and went in for the 20 minutes of scans. 

There were the familiar warnings: your heart and bladder are the most radioactive for the next two hours, so stay away from young children, and especially don't hug them, hold them, or let them sit in your lap.  {Basically, what you're telling me is I have 2 hours to myself????? SWEET!}  Lunch, errands---oil change and post office---with no children?  Practically a vacation. 

Now we wait.  I'm hoping for the best and preparing for anything less.  As Kyle predicted: "I bet it will be mostly gone, but not completely."  We shall see......

After the Last Round

"Better out than in, I always say."

                      ----Shrek

This has been the theme of the last few weeks, as my body attempts to rid itself of that last round of chemo.  I finally experienced the "extreme diarrhea" I was warned about in the beginning.  It kept me in bed for an entire day and then came back with a vengeance for round two.  

If the poison wasn't trying to escape through my digestive system, it was popping out all over through my skin.  New little friends showed up each day in the usual places---my arms, legs, and entire torso: 

Up until now, I've been able to keep these covered because they were all in locations under clothes, but it finally made its way to my face this round.  Not only am I dealing with feeling sick, losing all my hair, and having no energy, but now I've been able to feel like an acne-prone teenager again!  I'm just hoping that whatever I'm reacting to is going to make its way out and then be gone for good.  

It hasn't always felt better going out than being in this round.  However, it's almost out, and hopefully I'm better.  (We will find out after my scan on Tuesday!)     

                   

Leave it to Fleener----ROUND SIX!!!!!!

Well, chemo.  

We meet again, 

for the second last time, 

until the next time.

  

On the first "last time," there were balloons, and bell-ringing, and the belief that I had "beat the hell outta cancer."  

I didn't beat it well enough.

Fourteen months was not long enough to enjoy this feeling and to feel confident that this "last time" truly is the last "last time" for all time.  However, I have fought another good fight and will celebrate the tender mercies that have come with this battle.  Today I have been celebrating in pink and bringing joy and hope to other cancer patients with my crown, tutu, and glittery heals.  It's a day to rejoice and be glad!

Today's cancer kicks: 

I feel like somewhat of a fake for celebrating my "last chemo."  I have no assurance that I am through.  I have never been given any promises that I will remain in remission.  At no time have doctors allowed me to believe that my disease has a cure.  In fact, the opposite is true.  Once a cancer metastasizes, it becomes stage 4, and stage 4 cancer is like a virus.  You can treat it, let time help you beat it back, but you cannot cure it.  It will return.  Your only hope is to fight it off for as long as possible and wait for it to come back, with the added hope that you will catch it soon enough and that it will not return to somewhere like the brain. My form of stage 4 cancer is aggressive; It will eventually kill me.

There have been many times when I find it difficult to have hope in this battle.  I will most likely die from cancer, but I have no idea how much time I have.  I assume my time is short, but I must press forward no matter how long I have.  I have come to accept this, but it has not diminished my faith.

In fact, a few weeks ago, on a particularly difficult day, this thought came to my mind:

"It is a gift to know that life is short.  Use that knowledge to discover your mission, and live each day as if it were your last.  The Savior knew His mission from the beginning, but He had to wait 30 years to fulfill it.  He used the time between to bless the lives of others.  When you know your purpose and live each day to reach it, that is living, even a day at a time."

I immediately began to see a parallel between what I am experiencing and the earthly mission of our Savior.

At this time of year, we focus on the birth of Jesus Christ, the Son of God.   However, without His atoning sacrifice and resurrection, His birth wouldn't be celebrated.  His birth gave Him earthly life, but His death made eternal life possible for all.  (see Corinthians 15:20-22).

Russell M. Nelson said,

"During His relatively brief sojourn in mortality, the Savior accomplished two overarching objectives. One was His ?work and [His] glory?to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man? (Moses 1:39). The other He stated simply: ?I have given you an example, that ye should do as I have done? (John 13:15)." ("The Mission and Ministry of Jesus Christ, Ensign, April 2013).

Christ lived on earth to give us example to follow, that we should live our lives as He has.  (see John 13:15 and John 14:6).  We must discover our own purposes, our own missions in life, and realize that we are all going to one day leave this mortal existence, without knowing how much time we have.  We should learn to live each day as if it were the last, each day setting and reaching goals, each day trying to be more like the Savior and following His example.

Where can we start?  What if we don't know our purpose?

Start here with what each of us has been instructed to do:

• "Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven." (Matthew 5:16).
• "...Arise and shine forth, that thy light may be a standard for the nations;" (see D&C 115:5).
• "...press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men."  (see 2 Nephi 31:20).

Every person was born with the light of Christ and has been given gifts and talents, both physical and spiritual.  We are instructed to discover our purposes and gifts use them to bless the lives of others and to let the light of Christ shine forth.  We are expected to press forward in faith, no matter how long or short our time on earth may be.  

For me, it could actually be a blessing to know that my days on earth are numbered because of cancer, but I am not alone.  All of your days are numbered, as well!  This mortal existence was never meant to be the end point.  We were all meant for something more.  We are tested and tried here to see if we will do all that is required and if we will stand on the right hand of God, especially when times are tough.  Will we truly live each day as a light that shine the hope and love of God to all men?

I recently came upon this quote that explains the meaning of life:   

The purpose of life is to discover your gift.

The work of life is to develop it.

The meaning of life is to give your gift away.

(1993, Finding Your Strength in Difficult Times: A Book of Meditations by David S. Viscott, Life, Quote Page 87, Contemporary Books of Chicago, Illinois.)
 
Discover your gifts!  I was told once that my purpose in life is to "touch the hearts, build the hopes, and teach mankind."   By discovering my talents, I began to understand this purpose.  I am a teacher by profession, but that is not the only time in my life when I have been given a platform to touch hearts and build hopes.  It has taken time and work to develop those gifts, but as I have given them away by reaching out to others, I have discovered the real meaning in life, no matter how short my time on this earth might be.

As difficult as it was for the Savior to suffer and die for us (see Mark 14:34; D&C 19:18), He fulfilled His mission.  He did not shrink, and He did not simply wait around to die.  He was the only one of all of us to know the exact day when his death would occur, as He explained to His disciples during the Last Supper. (see Matthew 26 and Luke 22).  I don't know exactly when He learned the timing, but as He knew his mission from an early age, it would seem he was aware of the timing of His death sooner than the night before.  Like me, He knew that his life on this earth would be cut short, He did not weep and mourn for His bad luck.  He did not complain or live in darkness.  In fact, He lived as the light of the world and spent His time giving each of us a perfect example to follow and hope that our own trials might be overcome.  Our Savior died to ?[gain] the victory over the grave? (Morm. 7:5). In Him ?the sting of death is swallowed up? (Mosiah 16:8). Through Him, we can find ?peace in this world, and eternal life in the world to come? (D&C 59:23). Of all people, He had reason to shrink, but he never did.  

As each of us strive to follow His example, to learn our own purpose and mission for this earth, and arise to let our lights shine to others, pressing forward with that hope, we might someday be able to say for ourselves, "to this end was I born, and for this cause came I into the world, that I should bear witness unto the truth? (John 18:37).  No matter our trials, no matter the amount of time we have, if we learn to..."believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God..." we will "...have life through his name. "(see John 20:31; emphasis added).  Our life on this earth, no matter how short, can be filled with purpose and the hope that come from sharing the light of Christ through our own unique gifts.

Pink Warriors!!!

 

This month I will finish chemo for 2015----no matter what!   I have a feeling this will not be the last chemo in my life, but at least I can say it will be the last round for the year.  

Back on December 1st, we started off the month in the right way--with PINK POWER!!!  So many people who work with Stephen in the OR went pink for us, and how fun it was to see pictures throughout the day.  I'm so grateful to have these people on my team! 

  

 

GO PINK!!! 

Leave it to Fleener--Round 5

"Sing unto the Lord with thanksgiving...." (Psalm 147:7)

Cancer is determined to make an optimist out of me.  It might seem that I don't have much to hope for, especially not this time around.  I have a chronic disease that, at this point in human history, does not have a cure.  As Dr. Fleener told me today, "I expect that your cancer will come back.  I just don't know when and where, but it will come back."  With all odds against me, I have still learned through this process that there is ALWAYS something to be thankful for.  There is always a reason to smile.  There is always hope.  I have learned to look on the bright side of life, to worry less about the little things---and most of this life is "the little things,"---and to have faith for the future.  (In fact, SPOILER ALERT for The Walking Dead fans:  Against all odds, I called it that Glenn was still alive.)  This newfound optimism helps me to be thankful everyday, so it is nice to have an entire holiday to devote to singing praise to the Lord.

Here are a few things I'm thankful for, a few tender mercies in this cancer battle:

I am ALMOST DONE!!!!  It is hard to believe that I only have ONE MORE chemo left in this round!    After that, there will be another PET scan.  Then, I will stay on maintenance for.....well, probably forever.  As long as my heart can take the Herceptin, and as long as I can tolerate Perjeta, and as long as I stay in remission, I'll go every three weeks (or so) to have my infusions.  If (when) cancer decides to come back, there will be other options--one is a fairly new chemotherapy that targets Her2 receptors to block the growth and also to deliver chemo to those cells only, which means less negative side effects.  And, after that, there will probably be some new drug we can incorporate to keep me going.  There is always hope.


I have been mostly healthy this time around.  I haven't been sick up until this past week.  By "sick," I mean cough/cold/infection type of sick.  Last time, it felt like I had a cough for 3 months!!!  I also had very low numbers in my blood work a couple of times, and so far---knock on wood--everything has been fine for me to continue treatments on time.  The other complaint is this rash reaction that is attempting to take over my body, but I'm grateful it hasn't attacked my face.  Being healthy has made fighting much easier.

I still have some hair, especially EYELASHES and EYEBROWS!!!  This seems like a small and silly, vain thing.  However, I love my eyes.  I am grateful to still be able to put on my favorite makeup and have it feel normal.  I am also grateful that I still have some hair on my head.  It is thin and completely gray, but having some is better than none, and that will make the growing out process much easier.

I am thankful for the doctors and nurses who take care of me and care for me.  There is a lot of happiness and love in this place, which rubs off and makes something awful feel a little more comforting.


Although I have learned much about optimism and faith, there are tough days when it is hard to focus on the positive.  There are days, like this last week, when I think about the hard and start feeling sorry for myself and being scared for my family and how they will make it without me.  I get sad about things we all will miss, on traditions that might be forgotten, and memories that will fade.  Fear creeps in. But, there is still so much to be grateful for!

?From our sorrow we might seek out the sweetness and the good that is often associated with and peculiar to our challenge. We can seek out those memorable moments that are frequently hidden by the pain and agony. We can find peace in extending ourselves to others, using our own experiences to provide hope and comfort. And we can always remember with great solemnity and gratitude Him who suffered most to make it all right for us. And by so doing we can be strengthened to bear our burdens in peace. And then, the ?works of God? might be manifest.? (Richard C. Edgley, "For Thy Good," Ensign, May 2002, 66).

Every time I began to feel that fear and despair try to creep in this week, this song of praise kept coming to mind:  

Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed,
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.
I?ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand, ?
Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.
(?How Firm a Foundation,? Hymns, no. 85)

The matching scripture Isaiah 41:10 came to mind, as well:  "Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness."

This hymn and scripture remind me that I need not fear--not death, not hardships or loss, not anything of this world.  I need not dwell in despair or discouragement.  I need to be optimistic and keep holding onto my faith in Christ, for he will never leave me alone and will strengthen and help me through any trial.  ?Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid ? for the Lord thy God ? will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.? (Deuteronomy 31:6) We need not fear, for we are never alone.  We need simply call upon the Lord--in times of need and in times of thanksgiving--and He will hear and answer.   As the scriptures say, ?I sought the Lord, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.? (Psalm 34:4)

"[We] need not live in fear (see D&C 6:36). Fear is the opposite of faith....The Lord Himself encouraged, ?Wherefore, be of good cheer, and do not fear, for I the Lord am with you, and will stand by you; and ye shall bear record of me, even Jesus Christ, that I am the Son of the living God, that I was, that I am, and that I am to come? (D&C 68:6). (Boyd K. Packer, ?Do Not Fear,? Ensign, May 2004.)  

In telling us not to fear, we are never promised a life without pain and hardships or reasons that might cause concern, worry, and even fear. ?Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the Lord delivereth him out of them all? (Psalm 34:19).  However, we ARE PROMISED peace and that the Lord will "give us aid," help us, and strengthen us.  We need to keep our heads up, and keep our faith focused on the Lord.

?As we live on earth we must walk in faith, nothing doubting. When the journey becomes seemingly unbearable, we can take comfort in the word of the Lord: ?I have heard thy prayer, I have seen thy tears: behold I will heal thee? (2 Kings 20:5). Some of the healing may take place in another world. We may never know why some things happen in this life. The reason for some of our suffering is known only to the Lord." (James E. Faust, "Where Do I Make My Stand?" Ensign, Nov. 2004, 21).

It is difficult to "be not dismayed" when we think on all of the hardships we might face in this life.  There are terrible, tragic events occurring each day.  Each of us face individual and family struggles and challenges.  We all have need to be strengthened and healed, but that help doesn't always come how we might want it.

?Healing blessings come in many ways, each suited to our individual needs, as known to Him who loves us best. Sometimes a ?healing? cures our illness or lifts our burden. But sometimes we are ?healed? by being given strength or understanding or patience to bear the burdens placed upon us. ?The healing power of the Lord Jesus Christ?whether it removes our burdens or strengthens us to endure and live with them like the Apostle Paul?is available for every affliction in mortality" (Dallin H. Oaks, "He Heals the Heavy Laden," Ensign, Nov. 2006, 5?6).

Sometimes, as in my case, a certain burden might never be removed.  However, I still need not fear.  The Lord has still promised to give me aid.  He strengthens me, both physically and spiritually.  He helps me accomplish the things that need to get done, whether through the service of others or by giving me the strength to do the most important tasks and to let the others go.  He helps me stand and be a witness of his blessings and that he can and will show us miracles to increase our faith and further drive out fear.


Sometimes this earthly life is not fun.  We have tough times and frustrating challenges.  There are times that we might feel afraid and want to give up.  Do not let fear win.  Do not lose faith.  Do not let the challenges and trials the could strengthened your faith overtake your hope.  Continue to call upon the Lord and to praise Him with thanksgiving.  And ?To any who may be struggling to see that light and find that hope, I say: Hold on. Keep trying. God loves you. Things will improve. Christ comes to you in His ?more excellent ministry? with a future of ?better promises.? He is your ?high priest of good things to come.? " (Jeffrey R. Holland, "An High Priest of Good Things to Come," Ensign, Nov. 1999, 36).   I promise there are many good things in this world and much to be thankful for.


My numbers are still good, and I'm praying this trend will continue so I can stay on track to finish this chemo!

Today's cancer kicks:

Happy Thanksgiving!

Pink Alliance Luncheon

Back in October, I was invited to the Pink Alliance Luncheon with Joan Lunden as the guest speaker.  What an exciting day!  It got even more exciting when I got called up on stage as the newest person diagnosed with cancer.  {The oldest one was also called up--she's a survivor of over 40 years!!!}

We were each given a little love in the form of original art:  

We listened to Joan speak about her life, her breast cancer journey, and things she might say or do differently had she known more information about cancer before.  What I mostly  got out of her speech was the belief that when an opportunity presents itself, you stay positive and believe you can do anything and then go and find out how to do it.   She also expressed the importance of finding out as much information as you can and then following what is best for your life.  This was a powerfully uplifting lunch. 

Afterwards, we waited in line to meet Joan and have her sign our book.  We are very blessed to have been able to attend. 

Leave it to Fleener--Round 4

After today, I'm 2/3 of the way done with chemo!  It's a happy day, celebrating my positive results of the PET scan by officially meeting with Dr. Fleener and receiving the official paperwork.  After only half of this chemo complete, my results are incredible!  Prayers and positivity are going a long way, and this chemo is literally melting the cancer away.  I feel better on the pain scale, am feeling strong, and am able to eat more, with only occasional difficulty in swallowing!  The only negative is what is probably a chemo-induced rash that looks like terrible acne on both sides of my body.  It started around the area of the bottom of my bra and grew and grew after this last round of chemo.  Some suggested it could be shingles, by Dr. Fleener doesn't think it's that, especially since it's on both sides of my body, not following my nerves, and not painful.  I told her today, "it wouldn't be ME without something crazy happening!"  

We just enjoyed a weekend away with the boys and other family to Great Wolf Lodge.  After vacation, it's straight back to chemo.  I run into 2 vacationers that had the chemo treatment look, and had the chance to talk with one of them.  I asked if she was receiving treatment, and she said, "I'm done!"  I wanted talk more and asked, "What kind of cancer?"  {I'm sure she could obviously tell that I'm also a cancer patient, so I thought she would welcome the camaraderie.}  Shockingly, she responded with a harsh, "I DON'T want to talk about it!!!"  I guess some people just don't have a positive bone in their body.  I don't see how you can survive the trials of this life without staying happy!  I, for one, choose to be thankful and to focus on the positive things in this world.  That will get me further than complaining and seeking out the darkness.  

We all run into difficult times.  There are heartaches, trials, temptations, difficulties, fear, sadness, and great challenges in this life.  This is unavoidable.  How we face these times is what defines who we are.  

Last week, I came across a scripture that spoke to me: 

"Nevertheless they did fast and pray oft, and did wax stronger and stronger in their humility, and firmer and firmer in the faith of Christ, unto the filling their souls with joy and consolation, yea, even to the purifying and the sanctification of their hearts, which sanctification cometh because of their yielding their hearts unto God."  {Helaman 3:35}

If you read the surrounding verses and know what's been going on prior to this, there has been a long stretch of wars and difficult times for the people.  Then, they have peace and prosperity for many years.  Then, however, the pride of the people begins to seep in, and even people who profess to be members of the church begin to persecute those who are faithful believers.  Instead of giving up and faltering, the people take a more positive route:  

They fast and pray often.  That leads to them becoming stronger and stronger in humility and firmer and firmer in the faith of Christ.  I love these two descriptions, especially that of becoming STRONGER in humility.  Being humble DOES NOT mean being weak.  You become strong in humility by not boasting in your own strength, but in the Lord's and by allowing Him to take your weak things and make them strong.  In so doing, you become firmer in the faith and continue to fast and pray often, and the cycle continues.  I call this the Humility Cycle.  In direct opposition to the Pride Cycle, the Humility Cycle fills your soul with joy, the joy that comes from yielding your heart unto God.  

This scripture sums up the Gospel to me.  When we accept our Savior and yield our hearts unto God, He purifies and sanctifies our hearts, our souls.  This allows us to become more and more humble, strengthened by the positive changes we see in our lives.  Life is not perfect and care-free, but as we are strengthened by yielding our hearts to Christ and by taking His yoke upon us, we learn that we truly can overcome any trial.  I have not always been a very humble person.  I was strong-willed and stubborn most of my life.  I challenged authority and walked that fine line of being just enough naughty to still get away with it and stay out of trouble.  As I have experienced a change of heart brought on over the years through many trials, I have learned that happiness truly does come from choosing to follow Christ.  It comes from yielding our hearts to His and by walking the path of truth.  It comes by choosing to fast and pray often and to look for the gifts and blessings we receive everyday, those Tender Mercies that help us to become firmer and firmer in our faith.  As we learn to live by faith and become stronger in our humility, allowing our hearts to be changed for good, we become converted to Christ and truly see that we can survive anything life throws our way.  A smile and a positive attitude go a long way in this process, too!  

Only 1/3 of treatments left!!!  Working on kicking cancer to the curb!!!!