Leave it to Fleener---Follow Up

I had a scheduled appointment with Dr. Fleener yesterday, which turned out to be good timing.  I planned to discuss with her some crazy pain I was having in my throat and up into my ear.  I wondered if I had an ear infection because that pain was so powerful it was making it difficult to eat or drink anything.  No food sounded appetizing, and my usual go-to in between foods, like smoothies or soups were painful to swallow because the extreme temperatures just enflamed the pain.  I also threw up on Friday night after leaving the movies.  (Stephen had to pull over so I could lean out of the car and empty all the gatorade and popcorn I just consumed.)  I also threw up Monday night after only forcing down egg drop soup and water for most of the day.  I knew it wasn't going down a great path, but I kept trying to eat and drink as much as I could.  It wasn't enough.

At the doctor, I found out I'd lost about 8 lbs.  We discussed my ear and throat pain and we talked about other symptoms:  How were my bowels? How was my bone pain?  How am I really doing emotionally with all of this? Dr. F said that this first round is usually the worst, just because we don't know what to expect with my body and its reaction to the chemo.  Day 8-10 are usually the worst as I try to come back from the lowest point in the process and make my way back up.  That's good news, as I should be on the uphill turn now.  The most concerning thing about my visit was that my heart rate came in at a staggering 151.  We hoped that this was because of my lack of food and fluids and my heart trying to pump harder to make up for that and spread the blood around as quickly as it could.  

They got me hooked up in the back, accessing my port, to give me fluids.  This helped my blood pressure to go down, but still at a point that was too high.  Even though it's painful and doesn't sound appetizing, I have to eat and drink more to not break my heart.  I never had this last time, as cold and hot weren't difficult to eat, and I was always sipping on a smoothie or chomping ice.  It's also been a good amount of years since I've had an ear infection.  This is definitely never boring.  

I'm supposed to force myself to stay hydrated and take a Zpack to hopefully kill the ear and throat pain.  And, if it doesn't seem to get better, I need to come back in for more fluids.  

They will also give me a stronger nausea medicine with the next round.  Dr. F laughed and said that it's crazy, but now "insurance will pay for it," because I was sick even while I the medicine I was given.  It's crazy how you have to get sick in order to get the best medicine out there.  

I don't have time for all these little sick side effects.  I have a life to live!!!  

My Heart

"Thank you that Mommy doesn't go to heaven."

Taken out of context, I wonder if this prayer from my 5-year-old could be received as a boy begging God to send his mom somewhere else, but I know this is just Ryan's way of praying that I stay around on earth for a long time.  He has told me over and over that he doesn't want me to go to heaven and that I need to not be sick.  I'm trying, buddy.  I'm trying.

This morning, my 3-year-old came up to me to exclaim that "your boo-boos" are gone!!!  (My port site has cleared up.)  "You're not sick anymore!," he gathered, and was not happy about being wrong.  "But, you can't die.  You are my heart.  I love you!  You can't die!!!"

The oldest gets things a little better.  "Please bless that Mom can beat this cancer and get better soon."

These boys are my heart and a huge reason to fight!

Balance

Homeostasis is a word I remember hearing from way back in my study of biology.  Amazingly, systems have a built-in sense of staying regulated and to constantly adjust variables in order to achieve the most consistency possible.  When one system gets off balance, other systems are in place to step up and help bring about order and return to homeostasis.  It's an incredible part of life and existence that I understood from a scientific view up until now.   The human body is no different.  I am actually living through the process of my body trying to achieve balance and return itself to a normal state of being.

Like balancing equations, when some process or action changes the balance, another change must occur to restore it.  My body is in pain caused by cancer.  Chemo and other treatments are introduced to try to remove the negative factors, but the side effects of these treatments leave other systems off-balance and out of proper order.  New drugs are added to offset the negative side effects, and it all becomes this constant battle between finding balance and restoring order.  My body is tired from fighting, but I have medicines that help me sleep and regain strength.  Some of these medicines cause my bowels to be irregular, but chemo is trying to swing that to the complete opposite side of the spectrum.  For the past few days, I can tell my body doesn't seem to know what to do.  Chemo is trying its hardest to disrupt the delicate balance, but the other drugs are battling back.  Somehow everything is working out to remain at a balanced point.

I can feel that even in a few days since having chemo, my pain has decreased and I seem to have a wider range of motion, even though I am constantly battling the fatigue of fighting.   This chemo is battling what has been causing me pain and breaking me down by breaking me down again and allowing my body the ability to rebuild itself.  Again, it's a way of finding balance through a paradox.

My throat is clearing up from the side effects of radiation, but I'm trying to figure out what I can eat.  Since my stomach is a little sensitive, even though foods might sound appetizing and I can actually swallow them now without pain, they do not always agree with me.  I was warned to stay away from spicy food, specifically Mexican, but this is one of my favorite things to eat!!!  When that is what sounds delicious and it doesn't hurt going down, it seems to be a win-win.  However, I'm figuring out that balance in this case can be best achieved by not attempting to swing to the extremes.  My lunch of quesadillas didn't sit well, I had no appetite for dinner, ate something just to eat, and ended up vomiting everything last night.  At least that was one way to get back to a balanced equation!

I'm still learning how all these treatments will effect me, but it's interesting to witness the systems in place to help my body try to return itself to a proper balance.

Days After Chemo #1

All my prayer warriors out there must be working overtime!   I keep waiting for the bad stuff to start, but you would hardly know I even had chemo this week!  No diarrhea, no nausea, no crazy fatigue....it's incredible.  I hope this isn't just building me up with false hope, but I am grateful for all the good days I can get.  I still have pain and fatigue, a combination of the same back pain I've felt since this cancer came back to attack my spine, and a tired feeling from chemo and all the drugs I take to keep the negative side effects at bay.  I am hopeful that this first week of chemo hasn't taken me down.

The influx of information on the first day of chemo was overwhelming.  I probably should have been taking notes on all the things to remember and what to look for.  Basically, I just have to be on top of my health and try to stay ahead of what can cause the biggest damage.  Staying hydrated, eating a healthy diet, and trying to be as active as possible should help counterbalance some of the worst side effects.  I have been trying to sip water all day long, even though my throat is still quite raw.  I've noticed that cold and hot foods are hard, as well as certain spicy foods.  I am hoping that as the effects of the radiation wear off, this raw esophagus will start to heal and make it easier to eat, drink, and take pills without difficulty in swallowing.  I was able to go to yoga yesterday, and even though I can't do everything and have to be on a modified level, I feel like some activity is better than none.  Resting when I can has also been important in helping me get through each day.  

Dehydration for diarrhea and a high fever were the most severe of side effects and those that would require a call to the doctor, day or night.  I have not come close to any of that yet, but I would not be surprised if my body gets weaker and weaker as these rounds of chemo keep building.  As of now, I am thankful for the good days I've had since the first round and that I don't have to go back for a few more weeks!!!  

Thank you for the love, prayers, and positive thoughts.  I am buoyed up by all of the support!  Much love!!!

Leave it to Fleener--Day One

Today is hard, and I think it's harder because I know so much from last time.  I've been through the valley of the shadow of death and come out on the other side once, and I don't want to willingly go there again, especially so soon after my last visit.  I'm already weakened physically from radiation and emotionally from the frustrations and questions of why this is starting again so soon.  On the day of my first chemo in 2013, I was nervous and anxious and unsure what would happen, but went in strong and determined, with a fighter's fearlessness.  This time, I'm scared of my diagnosis, already tired and not looking forward to the fight.

But, I'm not a quitter--unless you count gymnastics, ballet, piano, that one AP Calculus class, choir, Sonic, Dillard's, UVSC, a 1,000 calorie daily diet...Well, maybe I am a quitter, but not on the life-and-death kind.  

One thing is sure: I am a fighter.  I've been clawing and fighting my way through life long before cancer reared its ugly head.  I was one of those strong-willed, stubborn children who became an independent and strong-willed adult.  I'm destined to keep on fighting.  

Ready to start?  As ready as I'll ever be:

I've said that cancer converted me....changed my heart, solidified my desire to stand as a witness of God, made me into an optimist, helped me to seek the light in life and to understand that simply keeping the commandments does not me we will have a life free of pain and trial.  My first cancer battle also taught me a deeper faith in Jesus Christ and helped me draw on the power of the atonement, specifically the power of knowing that we are never alone and nothing we might be called to endure is something He has not already taken upon Himself.

Perhaps this time around, I can use my deeper faith foundation as a starting point.  There is never a time in this life when we have done all we can do or learned all there is to learn.

I will continue to to ask what God would have me learn, how I can use my experiences to bless the lives of others, and to recognize and give praise for the tender mercies of His love.


A few tender mercies have already happened today:  Stephen is off this week, so he is able to take Evan to his preschool open house when I can't.  The parking lot in front of the cancer center is completely blocked off, due to construction.  I had too many things to carry that I parked at a dentist's office next door.  When I mentioned to the nurses my concern about being towed, they immediately volunteered to move my car for me!  I'm sitting right next to another Melody, who has 2 grown boys and gave me her card and cell number, should I have any questions or simply want to talk.   I met with a researcher who wants to enroll me in a special study for patients with metastatic HER2+ breast cancer.  That gives me hope that I can assist in possibly helping the lives of others and aiding in research that could even benefit me one day.  I have any amazing support system that brought me to tears with their outpouring of love and positive messages.  It is with your love, prayers, and positivity that I have the strength to move forward and fight.


After reading Facebook posts, comments, messages, and email:

Even though I'm scared, upset, weakened, and wanting to quit, I will fight on and carry on with faith.  Cancer picked the wrong girl, and I'm going to kick its butt.

Here's today's cancer kicks!

Today I had blood drawn for research purposes, a bag of steroids, a bag of Benadryl, and a bag of a nausea medicine before the real stuff.   Then, it's Perjeta and Herceptin to target the Her2 receptors and Taxotere, the "real" chemo of choice for this time around.  Let the next round of the fight begin!!!!

Goble This Cancer---Last Day!!!!

I did it!!!  All ten days of radiation are completed!!!  I am so tired already and not looking forward to starting chemo on Monday.  It's been an exhausting summer.  Last time I went through chemo, I think I was much stronger to begin with.  I already feel weakened and broken down by the challenges of life prior to diagnosis and well as the effects from radiation.  Hopefully I can rest and recover a bit over the weekend and be ready to go on Monday!  

Peace out, MBC robe!  I hope to not need you again.

Goble This Cancer--Days Eight and Nine

The esophagus irritation started on Wednesday.  It's painful and irritating, like a combination of terrible heartburn and swallowing an ice cube.  Luckily, I was able to meet with Dr. Goble a day early and start a new prescription that I take before meals and at bedtime.  It is a mixture of Lidocaine, Antac, and Benadryl, and helps with the burning and discomfort while eating, but adds to my already high level of fatigue.  I also do not have much of an appetite---probably because my body knows it will be in pain to eat.  At least I'm winding down to the end of this part of treatment, and this esophagus pain might elevate over the weekend, but should continue to get better after that.  

On Thursday, Emmy was able to go with me again, as we had a date to get pedicures with friends immediately after.  I'm glad she was able to drive because I seem to always feel tired!  Only one day left!!!!